Author: John Page 32 of 121

REVIEW: ‘Calendar Girls’

I was slightly wary about going to see this play, as it could have looked as if I was sloping into the theatre in the hope of seeing a burlesque show starring women of my mother’s generation, so I wore my hat strategically dipped below one eye and my scarf covering my face, and nobody seemed to notice anything amiss.

Anyway, as you probably know, this is the stage version of the film adaptation of the true story of a Women’s Institute group in Yorkshire, who posed nude in 2000 for an ‘alternative WI calendar’ to raise money for a sofa in the visitor’s area of a nearby hospital. The women were prompted to do this following the death of one of their husbands. The calendar was an immediate – and ultimately international – success, raising millions of pounds for leukaemia research. In fact, a tenth anniversary calendar will be produced for 2010.

The stage version features an impressive cast (Patricia Hodge, Linda Bellingham, Julia Hills, Brigit Forsyth, and other familiar names) and they seem to have a lot of fun with a funny script, and everyone performs well, though arguably – and perhaps inevitably – the scene where they’re posing for the photos gets the biggest laughs, but it is very cleverly done. I’m not any kind of expert on these things, but the set and scene-changes were smoothly done too.

I might quibble slightly with the way a couple of obstacles in the second half seem to come up rather without warning, as if there’s a need to create some conflict, but to be honest that minor complaint is more than outweighed by the overall quality of the show, and I should add that I was particuarly impressed by the way that the husband’s death which is the catalyst for events isn’t milked for every last ounce of emotion, which would have been an easy route.

Definitely worth a look, I’d say, and a good example of a very ‘English’ kind of comedy, if you know what I mean – witty, and a little bit bawdy, but unlikely to offend (though two people in our row didn’t return after the interval; can they really have come to see the play without knowing what it was about and been that shocked?).

Ironically enough, this play about women taking off their clothes is running at the Noel Coward Theatre in London (until September, I think, though the run may have been extended). You can get tickets at good prices (we were right up in the balcony, and could still see all right) from the usual online places.

And just to reassure my male readers, no, it wasn’t like an oedipal burlesque show. You can safely attend without danger of feeling all strange in that way.

William Akers Is In London To Help You Spot Mistakes In Your Writing

I got an e-mail the other day from a chap called William Akers, asking if I’d mention his forthcoming talk on the blog. Given that Will’s a writer with actual produced films to his credit, PLUS the fact that he worked on Eerie, Indiana and Lois and Clark (two TV programmes I like), it would have been churlish to say no. And whilst I’m frequently childish, I like to think I’m not churlish. Well, if I can avoid it. anyway.

So: Will’s talk is called Fatal Errors New (and experienced!) Writers Make! and it’s being held at Met Film School (Ealing Studios, Ealing Green, London W5 5EP) on Thursday 2nd July between 6:30 and 8:30 p.m. Entry costs a mere £15, which you can pay on the door, though you need to book ahead of time by e-mailing beka[at]metfilm.co.uk. Let’s face it, you could easily spend that on a round of drinks (or a couple of coffees at London prices), so it’s quite the bargain.

You can find full details of the session here. Definitely worth going along if you can make it, I’d say (I’m already booked that night for a family event – pah).

Will is also the author of the attention-grabbingly-titled Your Screenplay Sucks!, pictured above, which you can read more about here, and buy from the usual places (and some of the more unusual ones too, I’d wager). Will also has a blog, which has solid advice on matters writing-related, such as the following on the idea of selling ‘an idea’ for a film:

Someone who has sold screenplays for lots of money can sell an idea, if they have a famous actor attached. Have you sold screenplays for lots of money? Have you got a famous actor attached?

If the answer to either question is “No,” then shut up already and write your script.

With that in mind, I’ll shut up and get back to writing. Hope that you can make it to the talk, though, it sounds like it’ll be useful – if you do, be sure to let me know all about it!

By Way Of Sharing: Some Writing Links

Merlin Mann on getting started (via John August)

Billy Mernit on why your first draft may well resemble food after it’s been digested and expelled (via David Lemon)

And Neil Gaiman’s advice to authors:
“How do you do it? You do it. You write. You finish what you write.”

And whilst I wouldn’t really recommend watching the film pictured here, its title can be seen as a prompt as much as a play on words. Oh, and it does mean I include a picture of Sherilyn Fenn, which may not be a bad thing.

Although I Do Like The Idea Of The Gallagher Brothers As CEO And COO Of A Multinational Company

A still there from the latest TV ad by the not-Manchester-based soft drink, Oasis.

It’s quite an elaborate ad (backed by a suitably jargon-filled ‘integrated’ marketing campaign), built around the tagline ‘Oasis. For people who don’t like water’.

Would I be the first to point out that if you look at the label of a bottle of Oasis, the first listed (and therefore most prevalent) ingredient is water?

So, if you really don’t like water, this might not be the best drink for you to choose. Mind you, if you’re really anti-water to that extent, you probably don’t have time to buy soft drinks because you’re spending all day trying to avoid the 71% of the planet that is covered in water, or – and this is where the challenge sets in – the 65% of your body which is, on average, water.

I guess drinking Oasis because you don’t like water is probably like buying The Daily Star because you don’t like words.

Recycle – It’s Good For The Planet

Those of you who’ve been reading this blog for longer than is psychologically healthy may remember I trekked to the top of Mount Ararat a couple of years ago.

At this time, I wrote an article on the trek for an outdoorsy magazine, though unfortunately they decided against using it; embarrassingly, this was said to be because the accompanying photos weren’t good enough, but on the other hand it wasn’t any kind of slight on my writing.

Anyway, so that the words won’t go to waste – and also because it’s a sunny Sunday afternoon and the balcony beckons – I thought I’d share this tale of travel and trekking with you, my loves. So, complete with the punning title that may have been the real reason it was bounced, here it is…

Ararat’s The Way To Do It

The eight of us caught a plane in Istanbul, and a couple of hours later, landed in the town of Van.
Appropriately enough, we then boarded a van, and after travelling for an hour or so (on roads of varying quality), chatting as we went, Mount Ararat loomed into view.
There were patches of ice and snow on its sides, and the first time we saw it, the top was obscured by cloud.
The van stopped, we stared up at Ararat, and a few minutes later we were en route again, continuing our journey towards the town of Dogubeyazit.
I think it’s fair to say conversation was slightly subdued, as we all mulled over the prospect of the as-yet-unseen summit.

According to the bible (specifically Genesis 8:4), after the flood, Noah’s ark landed on Mount Ararat.
The mountain we today know as Ararat is in Turkey, where it borders Armenia. Until just over five years ago, for security reasons, the Turkish authorities refused access to climb the mountain. Today, you can climb Ararat if you have the appropriate permit and guide. And if your legs and lungs are up to it, of course. It may not be an accident that the mountain is known locally as Ağri Daği, or ‘the mountain of pain’.

We checked into our hotel in Dogubeyazit, and had a meal on the roof terrace, which gave us a view of Ararat.
The clouds had cleared from the top, enabling us to see the summit, which was surprisingly flat-looking, like a boiled egg with its top removed, or a de-walnutted Walnut Whip. We looked at it, and talked about the Ark, and the claims that parts of it had been found on the mountain.

The next morning, we set off from the hotel, stopping en route to collect our permits.
After a minibus trip to the small village of Eli (2200m), we continued on foot, but not before being introduced to a man who – rather surprisingly – claimed to be the owner of Ararat. He said this with a smile, so I guess he didn’t want us to take his claim too seriously. Shame, really, as I’d been practising my scissors-paper-stone technique over the previous weeks, and was wondering if he might be willing to gamble. Ah well.
Backpacks on, we trekked for about five hours, and here, at the base of Ararat itself, the veins of ice and snow which we’d seen the previous day came into human scale, looking a lot larger and more daunting than they had from a distance. But I’d have to say that was true for the rest of the mountain as well.
We arrived at Green Camp (3200m), where we’d be spending the night. It lived up to its name, with tents pitched all around on soft grass, and horses and the odd goat grazing nearby. During the night, the horses whinnied occasionally, and sometimes I heard them running around a bit. Just harmless horseplay, I thought, and turned over in my sleeping bag, hoping bad puns weren’t a symptom of altitude sickness.

Altitude sickness is, of course, something to be avoided at all costs – particularly if you’re in a group, as one sick person could start to jeopardise the others – so we spent the next day acclimatising.
Not that this meant we took it easy, mind you, and we walked up the increasingly rocky terrain to just under 4000m, where we could see High Camp (insert your own Graham Norton joke here), which would be our next port of call.
We made our way back down to Green Camp, and as the rockiness gave way to grass once again, I decided that the after-hours gambolling of the horses was a small price to pay for the springiness underfoot.
A quick health check of our group proved encouraging – nobody seemed to be having trouble breathing, though there were one or two uncertain stomachs. Generally, we seemed in good shape, which was reassuring.

So, the next day, we trekked back up the previous day’s route, and on to High Camp.
The grass and flowers gradually disappeared until I realised we were walking on a mixture of rocks and gravel, which made it harder going. The tents at High Camp had actually been pitched amongst the rocks, and when we gathered for our evening meal, it meant hopping from one rock to another to get to the kitchen tent – a bit of an effort, and an unwelcome one when we really needed to be saving our energy for the next day, when we’d head for the summit.
Starting at 3am. I think I speak for the group when I say, on the subject of that start time: urgh.

Mindful of the pre-dawn start, we turned in early.
For fun, the wind decided to make getting to sleep into something of a challenge, rattling the sides of the tent just often and loudly enough to wake you, and of course once you’re awake and realise you really need to get back to sleep as soon as possible, that’s pretty much the last thing you can do.
As it inevitably would, though, 3am came, and by the light of a full moon and our head torches, we groggily ate some soup and pasta before setting off.
There’s something unreal about trekking at such an hour; the brain’s foggy from lack of sleep, the near-dark makes it all feel vaguely dreamlike, and the body’s not so keen to be up and exerting at such an hour. Your visual input is (initially, at least) limited to the light cast by your head torch, and all you can hear around you is ragged breathing and the crunch of feet on scree, and … well, I’d say it’s no surprise that it all feels a bit less than real.
Which could be seen as a hint of altitude sickness, but I’d argue it was just fatigue.

The gravel and rocks underfoot became mixed with ice – we were attempting the summit before dawn so the scree and water would be frozen and easier to walk on – but as we continued our plodding progress upwards, the rocks and gravel became less present, snow took over, and we stopped and strapped on our crampons.
The sun was rising behind Ararat, casting a shadow over Dogubeyazit, and we shed our head torches. As we continued, the sunlight twinkled on the snow all around us, as if a glitter lorry had shed its load.
The summit was close by now, my tentmate said, though when I looked upwards I had a notion it was lurking over the brow of the highest visible point. When you think you’re almost done, there’s all too often a bit further to go: this is as true on mountains as it is in life generally, and so we steadily traversed the snow in the area known as ‘the saddle’, because of its shape, heading for the pommel. Er, I mean summit.

The wind was starting to bite, and my leg muscles were complaining, but up ahead, I could see some other members of the group waving, so I knew the summit must be close.
I’ll freely admit I felt quite emotional as I wearily took the last few steps – my eyes misted over as I thought about the members of the group who had come to Ararat for religious or cultural reasons – and there was a round of congratulatory hugs and handshakes as we stood there, at the top of Mount Ararat, 5137m above sea level.
There was no shelter from the wind on the summit, and it jostled coldly, so we lingered just long enough to check out the view from all angles (Little Ararat does seem to live up – or down –to its name when viewed from the summit of its larger sibling), to take some photos (though that meant removing gloves, which was less than fun), and then we started to descend.

It’s said that the majority of accidents and injuries occur when descending, and it’s easy to see why; the adrenaline rush lingers even as the fatigue starts to kick in, inviting carelessness, and there’s the unbreakable law of gravity as well, so we were careful and slow to descend, especially as the ice underfoot was starting to thaw out in the sun.
We made it back to High Camp just after noon, and stayed there long enough to have some tea and chocolate and a hint of a breather before going on down to Green Camp. Arriving there mid-afternoon, it was a relief just to stop moving, and I realised we’d been on the go for about twelve hours.
It won’t come as a surprise if I tell you we all turned in early that night, and slept well.

The next morning, we walked down to Eli, at a relaxed pace, and we were met by the minibus, which took us back to Dogubeyazit.
If we wanted, our guide said, we could see the Ark the next morning. Of course we said yes, though I must admit I was a little disappointed that it seemed so easy – the Ark, it appeared, was neither lost nor in danger of any raiders. Or was that another Ark I was thinking of?
When in Rome and all that, so a group of us used the free afternoon to visit a Hamam, or Turkish Bath, in Dogubeyazit. We spent a couple of hours jumping in and out of water which was alternately boiling and freezing, and for a small extra fee I received an expert pounding at the hands of the masseur.
I stepped out onto the streets of Dogubeyazit feeling cleaner than I had in days. A local child approached me, carrying a set of bathroom scales, and offered to weigh me for one lire. Never mind any health-related effects of the trek, I had the sneaking suspicion that in the last few hours I’d shed a few pounds in grime alone.

The next morning, after a brief detour to see a ‘meteor crater’ which looked suspiciously like a large hole in the ground, we arrived at the Noah’s Ark National Park Visitors’ Centre. No ifs, buts or maybes, this place was confident it was the real deal.
The Visitors’ Centre was just that – a room with displays and newspaper clippings about the location, manned by a friendly chap called Hassan who’s known as the ‘Guardian of the Ark’. Outside the building, a path led through some trees to a vantage point overlooking a valley, where we could look at the Ark.
Or, at least, the fossilised remains of the Ark – which rather resembled a stretched oval-shape in the earth. They say it’s made of stone, though from the viewing point it looks more like an indentation in the ground.
Is it the Ark? I wouldn’t care to say, though it’s hard to forget it’s certainly not on Ararat – though some of the other evidence presented makes for a moderately convincing case, and the more you stare at it the more you can see what they’re talking about in terms of the shape.

Perhaps most telling, though, was the fact that, after we’d left the Visitor’s Centre and were in the minibus once again, the group was quiet, as if each of us was thinking about our reaction to what we’d just seen, and reaching a conclusion.

I Posted A Father’s Day Card Yesterday, And Had To Lick The Back Of A Unicorn

This week saw the release of a set of stamps in the UK on the theme of ‘mythical creatures’ (pictured) .

I wouldn’t normally blog about stamps, but I think these are of note because they were drawn by Dave McKean, a staggeringly versatile and talented artist, and they’re accompanied by (very) short tales written by his oftentimes-collaborator Neil Gaiman. There’s a presentation pack available which includes the stories, but they’re also available online to read, here.

I like these stamps, I have to say – but given that the only living person who’s supposed to be depicted on stamps is the Queen, it does rather mean that the giant, pixie, mermaid and fairy must be dead. Which is the sort of thing which could upset a small child , and possibly even make them cry.

Quick, find a small child who collects stamps and tell them!

Yes, I know: I am an appalling man.

How To Get Ahead In The Clouds, If Not Advertising

Many of you are more tech-savvy than I am, so you may know about this already, or indeed be using something similar if not better, but I thought it was worth sharing just in case…

There’s a fair amount of talk about ‘cloud computing’ at the moment, with a lot of businesses looking into (if not necessarily venturing into) using services over the internet, as opposed to running the locally; in practice, a lot of us do it on a daily basis – in fact, I’m pretty much doing it now, using Blogger’s setup over the internet as opposed to having blogging software of my own on my computer.

So a fair number of people – especially those who work for themselves, on the road or whatever – are looking into the idea that they don’t necessarily need to have a computer which can do loads of things, as they could access the various facilities over the internet instead. So, instead of having a PC or Mac with 500GB of memory, you can have far less capacity and access a number of services and programmes over the web. Well, that’s my typically basic understanding of it, anyway.

The reason I’m posting about it here is because – a year or so after it was made available – I’ve just discovered about Skydrive, which allows users of Windows Live to store up to 25 GB of files online for free. I’ve started using it as a virtual briefcase, as it were, shuffling documents from one place to another, but without the fuss of memory sticks or CDs or e-mail attachment limits. I think you can open up certain folders to other users and the like, but I haven’t played with any of those features yet.

I’m thinking, though, that this may be useful to some of you (as it is to me) as a way of backing-up scripts or other files. As I say, I’m no techy-type, but plonking a script ‘in the cloud’ could be a good way to avoid losing a long-laboured-over bit of work just because your computer has ‘a moment’ or dies altogether.

Anyway, thought I’d share this with you – I’m referring to the Windows version of it here, which may be useful if you have a Hotmail or Windows Live account, but I’m sure there are other items available on iGoogle and the like, and I know there are certainly services like this which you can pay a monthly fee for. So it might be worth you having a gander to see if there’s something of this nature which might be useful to you… assuming, as I say, that you’re not already doing this sort of thing already.

The Mirror Seems Unable To Reflect Upon Itself

The cover of yesterday’s Daily Mirror there, with a report on the proposal to impose a £6 levy to pay for a national standard of broadband access by way of charging landline owners 50p a month.

A proposal, the Mirror’s cover suggests, which has sparked FURY.

As you can see in the masthead box just above this news item, the Mirror costs 45p.

You can see where I’m heading with this, right?

Snake In The Past

Presented for your comparison: the cover of Warren Ellis’s novel Crooked Little Vein (2007) and the logo for Glenn Beck’s Common Sense Comedy tour (2009).

Mr Ellis is a noted writer, especially in the field of comics. Mr Beck presents shows for Fox News. You can probably guess whose work I admire more.

There is, I realise, the possibility that the snake image is based on something pre-existing – it does, for example, look a bit like an olde worlde map drawing of a river – and that the above snarking is missing a fundamental point. Put me straight, by all means – that’s what the Comment function is for.

EDITED TO ADD: the ever-vigilant Piers has pointed out that it’s derived from a common source – a woodcut by Benjamin Franklin from 1754. I am suitably chastened.

Maybe She’s A Giant Who Lives In The Flat Downstairs And Has Smashed Through

I can’t be alone in having spotted how many adverts or pieces of packaging seem to feature smiling or laughing people.

The implication, I guess, is a pretty straightforward one: Look, the good-looking people in this picture are in close proximity to this item and they’re smiling! If you buy this item you’ll smile too, and you might become a bit more good-looking! Straightforward to the point of insulting your intelligence, really.

As a result of having deconstructed this aspect of advertising in my head, I find myself often a bit bewildered by billboards and print ads, and asking questions like ‘who are these people?’, ‘why are they just laughing?’ and things like that. It’s very disconcerting, especially for the chap who was stood next to me when I saw the pictured item in Currys yesterday.

I appreciate that it’s tricky to try to make adapters particuarly appealing, and so Devolo’s packaging people have decided the best thing to do is to put a picture of a pretty lady on the box, but… but what the hell’s meant to be going on in that image? Is she supposed to be lying on the floor down by the socket and looking over her shoulder coquettishly? If so, her elbows must be resting about three inches below the level of the floor.

I think about these things too much, don’t I ? I think I’d better go and get a cup of tea.

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