Author: John Page 61 of 121

Please Avert Your Eyes While I Change

Whilst I’m sure precious few of you are holding your breath waiting for the oft-promised amendments to my website, just a quick note to say that – as you can see – changes really are afoot, so please tolerate the holding page while I shuffle the new stuff into place.

What’s coming, you may ask? Put briefly, more actual content and fewer pictures of me – which I think you’ll agree is definitely an improvement.

In the spirit of keeping you as updated as the website I will, of course, let you know when things are up and running.

Mind You, Compared With Iggy Pop’s Phallocentrism, This Is Positively Dignified, Isn’t It?

Perhaps rather ungallantly, Phil Jupitus has said that in recent years, every time Madonna sings something ‘raunchy’, all he can hear is the phrase “Come and give your Auntie a kiss”.

For my part, I find it far more disturbing that so many of her videos and publicity shots seem to be rather emphatically … well, let’s say groinal. It might be that as the mother of several children, she’s quite intoxicated with the life-creating power of her womb, but in a strange parallel with Mr Jupitus, when I see recent pictures of Madonna, almost all of them make me hear words in the same vein as the following…

“Look at my crotch! Look at it!”

“I don’t care if you want to look or not! Look at it!”


LOOK AT IT! And then, buy the album and tickets for the tour. Thanks.”

Yes, It IS A Pathetic Attempt To Ride The Coat-Tails Of People Who Are More Talented. Still, At Least I’m Aware Of It, Eh?

If you feel – as I obviously do – that there just aren’t enough books available to buy which feature my name, then you may be pleased – as I am – to know that Jess Nevins’s latest book of annotations on the Alan Moore and Kevin O’Neill comic series ‘The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen’, “Impossible Territories”, name-checks me on page 12 amongst the people thanked for their help with the content of the book.

Jess is, as the book ably demonstrates, a very smart chap whose talents are well-used in annotating the series, but I also like to think that he realises that even his terrific tome can only be improved by the inclusion of my name. Mr N, I doff my cap to you. Truly, the pleasure was all mine.

I’ve got my copy of the book, and jolly good it is too – if you want to let the world of publishing know that there should be more books referring to my rampantly egotistical self, you can vote with your money here.

LINK : Virtual Words And Aural Pleasure

Very much in the same vein as this post, if you click here, you can download a free copy of Neil Gaiman’s novel ‘Neverwhere’ (though apparently it’ll expire after 30 days), or – if you want to hear sounds instead of staring at words – you can download an audio version of the Gaiman short story ‘A Study In Emerald’ here.

Don’t say I never give you nuffink, all right ?

Nick Hornby, Tom Stoppard, Richard Curtis, Me, And – If You Wish – You

The Forever Story is an online collaborative story which aims to raise £50,000 for charity, and you can take part. It’ll cost you nothing at all, and you can literarily (as opposed to literally) rub shoulders with the likes of the writers named above.

Interested? I thought you might be. Here’s a smidgin more info…

‘The Forever Story’ opens with 35 words from Nick Hornby (“For the first nineteen years of his life, Johnny Razor wasn’t Johnny Razor at all. He was Malcolm Weatherly, and he was born in Mile End Underground station on the night of 17th September 1940.”) and after that, like a creative game of pass-the-parcel, anyone can join in and make their contribution. The nifty bit is that every time someone adds a bit to the story, the internet folks TalkTalk have agreed to contribute £1 to Treehouse, an autism charity.

So, I’d politely urge you to click here and make your contribution to the story – it’s for a good cause, and if you take the time to read (or, as is also possible on the site, to listen to) the story so far, you can see that it’s wiggled rather amusingly along the way.

If you’re wondering which bit I did, you can probably find it by doing a search on the site for the word ‘paralysis’. And if you think my contributions’s garbage, then I’d politely suggest that you put TalkTalk’s money where your mouth is, and write something better. In fact, I positively encourage you to do so.

I Would Have Posted This Pair Of Twins In 2003 If I’d Had A Blog Then

And the strangest thing is, I’m pretty sure that both adverts appeared, mere pages apart, in US comics of the time.

Small Actions, Big Stage

There’s an interesting writing competition run by Channel 4 and Amnesty International here – with quite an impressive prize.

All you have to do is write a pitch for a sketch, in no more than 160 characters, on the theme of ‘Small Actions’. They then take the winning idea and expand it into a full sketch which will be – and this strikes me as the good bit – performed at the Amnesty International ‘Secret Policeman’s Ball’ Concert which is taking place in London in October.

The ultimate winner will see their sketch performed on the night (and they get another ticket so they can take along a friend), and also receive a copy of the DVD of the show. Ten runners-up will receive copies of the DVD (though it should be noted that the small print does stress they can’t guarantee that the winning sketch will necessarily be on the DVD, or in the TV broadcast of the concert).

The last time they ran a competition like this, the winning sketch was performed by Chevy Chase and Seth Green, so it certainly seems worth entering.

To my mind, the challenge is the fact that you can only submit up to 160 characters in your pitch (pretty much the length of the previous paragraph) – and the deadline is only a week away: Noon on Tuesday 9th September.

So you have to be both brief and swift, but in all honesty I know those are traits which I could certainly stand to develop in my writing (and, I suspect, in other areas of my life), so I think it’s worth a go.

Submit your pitch-ette via this page – and if you do enter, let me know, eh ? When you go on to win and writerly stardom* beckons, I’d like to be able to claim I traded virtual conversation with you “way back when”…

*Yes, I’m all too aware that, with a few notable exceptions, “writers” and “stardom” tend to go together about as frequently as skateboards and olives. But I’m sure you know what I mean.

Now That I’ve Got Your Attention

This week’s award for best attention-grabbing opening in a book goes to Vince Flynn, for the first line of ‘Protect and Defend’. Take it away, Vinnie-baby!

“PUERTO GOLFITO, COSTA RICA.
Mitch Rapp ran his hand along her smooth, naked thigh, up to her waist, and then down along her flat stomach.”

Racy!

As Was Once Said Of The Radio, “The Pictures Are Better”

Oh, all right then – click here to see more pictures from our wedding, this time on the Flickr account of our rather talented photographer.

If you want more, you can always try to be-friend my lovely wife on Facebook, but I’d imagine you’ve probably seen more than enough of the day by now, right?

This One Could Divide The Readership, I Know

You may well have seen it before, but that aside, I suspect you’ll fall into one of two camps when you look at this – either amused or appalled.

Which am I? Well, I did post it here for your perusal, so…

Page 61 of 121

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