Category: Fish In A Barrel Page 15 of 23

Sometimes Events Intervene And Create An Unfortunate Conjunction Between Their Name And Their Creator


(Click to enlarge)

Within A Mere Twenty-Four Hours! Oh yes!

In case you thought I was being a bit excessive here, I would politely point you towards the front cover of today’s Sun

If only I could turn this power to the lottery numbers, eh?

Press Release: To All UK Tabloid Newspapers

From: PR Office, ITV Productions
Subject: I’m A Celebrity… 2008

Dear All,

By now, you should have received yesterday’s press release confirming the details of this year’s line-up for I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!, and we’re sure you’re just as excited about the new series as we are! (If, for some reason, you didn’t get the press release, you can download it, and the rest of the press pack, by clicking here).

All the information you need to run coverage of this year’s show is in there, so you should be able to get a good two or three pages’ worth out of each episode. And whilst we try to answer all questions you might ask about the show as soon as possible, we realise that, what with there being three blonde women in the show this year, it does mean that some of you are quite rightly asking “Which woman are we supposed to write about when she takes a shower on day two this year?”

As we can’t predict which of our three lovely ladies will provide you with some bikini-based cheesecake, we hope the following template will cover all possible eventualities (delete as appropriate to create the paragraph to accompany the picture, which should be at least two-thirds of a page, as in previous years):

Headline:
IT’S CARLY ZUCK-AHHH / DANI BARE / NICOLA Mc-CLEAN !

Text:
Saucy Carly Zucker / Dani Behr / Nicola McLean sent temperatures sky-high yesterday in I’m A Celebrity as she stripped down to a skimpy bikini to take a shower!

The sexy WAG / TV Presenter / WAG took the cold shower to cool off, but instead steamed up the camera lenses with her antics! A show insider said “She’s a sexy girl, and when she just stripped off and started showering, the boys in the camp – and the crew – could hardly believe their eyes!”

Carly / Dani / Nicola ‘s partner is a footballer / restaurant owner / footballer, so she probably can’t wait to get home to their mansion / eat some proper food / their mansion, but in the meantime it looks as if she’s getting used to life in the jungle. Experts say she’s tipped to be in the top four, but we’d say she’s in the top Phwoar!

Hope this helps!

Best

ITV Productions

PS – If you want to take a more alternative angle, you can find one of the contestants pictured after a rather different kind of shower here

“But Surely,” He Said, “The ‘X Factor’ Is A Simpleton’s Way Of Referring To Einstein’s Cosmological Constant?”*

Anyway, let’s take a look at the previous couple of winners of ITV’s song-based talent contest:

2006 Winner: LEONA Lewis
2007 Winner: LEON Jackson

It’s 2008, and the final draws nigh (so I gather – I’m not following it). Is there an entrant called Leo this year? If so, worth a tenner at the betting shop, surely?

*Yes, yes, I know it’s lamda, but if Albert can fudge his equations, I can do the same with my post titles.

Like A Mirror Reflecting Another Mirror Into Infinity…

Is it just my imagination, or could this book be seen as slightly self-referential?

No offence intended to the author – I haven’t read the book so I’m not really passing comment, but you can see what I’m driving at, right?

Film Stars

A lot of posters for films, as you may have noticed, tend not to quote actual words from reviews nowadays, instead preferring to include stars. A little-known fact about the film industry is that the stars you see in film reviews are not stars in the Michelin-restaurant-acclaim fashion, but are actually asterisks that were intended to be included in the original review.

That being the case, you’re probably wondering how to decode what the reviewer actually thought of the film. Well, here at John Soanes, we’re nothing if not public-minded, so here’s a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to the real meaning of the stars you see on film posters…


Carry the above with you at all times, and next time you see a film advertised without proper words being quoted from the reviews, use the above and all will be revealed!

In Which We See Cross-Platform Marketing Fail To Synergise For This Potential Consumer

My eyes, and my mind, boggle:
Surely this is the least likely film-to-theme-park-ride conversion ever?

My eyes roll skywards:
This tatty cash-in is also available on download, for which we should be grateful – because, if nothing else, it means that charity shops up and down the land won’t be full of discarded CD copies in a month’s time when the joke inevitably goes stale – as was the case with, say, I’m Gonna Be (500 miles) and Vindaloo – the video for which, I now realise, featured Mr Kay’s brother, ha ha.

Oh, my ribs! Hey, does anyone remember the 1980s? Rubik Cubes and Deeley-Boppers? Eh ? Eh?

Sheesh, tough crowd…

I Would Have Let This One Pass As ‘Homage’, But…

…then I saw the names of the actors above the title.

Alec Baldwin and Scarlet Johansson together in a film? Wow, that might be – hey, hang on a minute, they put the forenames of the cast in smaller type in the hope I wouldn’t notice! The swines!

And that mendacity of marketing is enough to make me think nope, it’s a swipe.

Three Is The New Thirty, It Seems, But Is Cookery The New Underground?

Whilst most people would agree that it’s pretty risible that John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols) is currently appearing in an advert for butter, let’s bear in mind that it’s over 30 years since the Pistols were at the height of their infamy. So, three decades before being utterly absorbed into the mainstream.

As opposed to something like three years in the case of MC Harvey of So Solid Crew.

Cookery? Seriously?

A Fairy Story (Or An UNFairy Story – You Be The Judge)

Once, a boy was playing in the garden with his older sister.

The boy had a red balloon, and he puffed and puffed into it. Soon, it was as big as his head.

“That’s good,” his sister said, “but be careful you don’t burst it.”

The end of the balloon still in his mouth, the boy nodded, but nonetheless, he inhaled and blew again. The balloon swelled, and was soon as large as a space-hopper.

“Wow! That’s huge!” said his sister, and she turned and shouted. “Mum! Dad! Come and see this!”

Their parents came out of the house, and their eyes widened.

“That’s incredible!” said their mother.

“How is he doing that?” asked their father.

The boy couldn’t answer, because he still had the end of the balloon in his mouth. He just shrugged, and then gestured to let the others know he was going to blow some more air into the balloon.

“Oh, don’t,” said his sister. “You’ll burst it. Just tie the end off now, don’t blow again. It’ll burst and you won’t have your balloon any more.”

“Yes, it’s not designed to get this big,” said his father. “I don’t know how you got it this far. Best to quit while you’re ahead.”

His mother said nothing.

The boy frowned for a moment, thinking, then took a big breath in through his nose, and blew more air into the balloon. It swelled and inflated even more, and soon it was huge – bigger than the boy, and bigger than either of his parents.

“That’s incredible!” said the sister. “How did it get that big?”

“I really don’t know,” said the father, “it shouldn’t be able to expand that much. I -“

Suddenly, the balloon burst, with a BANG which they could all feel in their stomachs. The boy was shocked – at first by the noise, and then as he realised what had happened: his balloon was ruined, and lay in tiny pieces on the ground all around him.

Tears filled the boy’s eyes, and he began to cry.

“Oh,” said his sister. “That’s a pity.”

“Yes,” agreed the father. “Still, it was amazing while it lasted, wasn’t it?”

The boy couldn’t hear their words over the sound of his own sobs, and he ran crying to his mother. He clung to her legs, and she reached down and stroked his hair, trying to calm him.

“Don’t worry,” she said softly. “I’ll buy you a new balloon.”

“But -” said the sister.

“I don’t know about that,” said the father. “I mean, he knew what he was doing, and the balloon – “

Shh,” said the mother, “not now. Can’t you see he’s upset? If we don’t do it, it’s pretty obvious that he’s going to be really miserable for a while, and that’ll cause problems for us too.”

“That doesn’t seem fair,” said the sister. “It’s like you’re rewarding bad behaviour. I mean, Dad said that he should stop, but he kept on doing it.”

“She’s got a point,” said the father.

“We can talk about that sort of thing later,” said the boy’s mother, “at the moment, how and why it happened isn’t really the problem.”

And with that, she took the boy’s hand and led him into the house. The father and sister watched them go, not sure what to say.

“I bet…” said the sister thoughtfully, “I bet that he just gets a new balloon, and that’s the end of it. We won’t talk about how and why, will we?”

The father said nothing, but the look in his eyes said no, he did not expect that there would be any discussion.
——————————-
And the moral of the story is… er, well, you tell me.

Page 15 of 23

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén