Author: John Page 67 of 121

Sometimes, Fewer Is More

Taking a highly selective trawl through the films of Eddie Murphy, and loading my argument, sure, but…

1988: Coming To America
Characters Played: 4
Academy Award Nominations: None

1996 : The Nutty Professor
Characters Played: 7
Academy Award Nominations: None

1999: Bowfinger
Characters Played: 2
Academy Award Nominations: None

2000: Nutty Professor II: The Klumps
Characters Played: 8
Academy Award Nominations: None

2006: Dreamgirls
Characters Played: 1
Academy Award Nomination: Actor in a Supporting Role

2006: Norbit
Characters Played: 3
Academy Award Nominations: None

… luckily, Eddie seems to have spotted the pattern I’m alluding to, and his next few films feature him just taking home one salary. Good for him.

Next time on John’s unsolicited career advice: Mike Myers (hint: doing Austin Powers with an Indian accent doesn’t constitute creativity, and may actually be a bit racist).

What I Did On My Not-Holiday, By John Aged 37 (And A Bit)

Well, it’s been a rather thin few days in terms of content, but I plead a sudden surge of activity in the paying job (leaving me several shades of knackered at the end of the day) combined with a lot of writing stuff to do. To summarise, then :

BBC Sharps
I didn’t hear back from Writersroom on Monday, and unless they sent me an e-mail headed something like ‘Free v1agr@’ and it got diverted to my Spam folder, I guess that means that I didn’t make it through to the next round. A pity, but doing the script was actually rather fun, and it was something of a learning experience, so I don’t feel it was wasted time on my part.

One change I might make to it, though, is to amend the name, as in an attempt to be clever and show it was purpose-written for the BBC Competition, I called it ‘Sharpes’ (after the pharmacy where the action took place), so I should probably re-name it for any future use. Then again, maybe that was part of the reason I didn’t make it through, I may have built the expectation that there’d be a number of characters for Sean Bean to play, and the first ten pages offer nothing of that nature.

Waterstones ‘What’s Your Story?’
My entry’s still on the gallery for this (page 13, last time I checked, or you can search by my surname), and given that over 4000 people have entered, the odds are rather against, but it was a fun thing to do (and my method was like something from ‘Take Hart’ or, for the younger amongst you, ‘Art Attack’), and who knows, I could be one of the two over-18 winners. I’ll probably post the jpeg of my story after the results are announced, so as not to dilute or jinx things, as it were.

Regardless of that, the book of all the authors’ postcards (plus the three winners) is for the dually worthwhile causes of Dyslexia Action and English PEN, and as it’s a mere fiver, I strongly urge you to go here and order a copy. Go on, it’s a good thing to do. You know you want to.

10 Word Crime Story
I didn’t have time to post about it here before the deadline of 5pm on Monday, but I managed to get a couple of entries in for this. It was a fun thing to do, and the small wordcount made it pleasantly restricted in terms of what you could write about – my usual logorrhoea was very much held at bay. I think the results are due in a couple of weeks, so I’ll share my entries after that, I suspect.

…So, as you can see, I haven’t just been doing nowt and making token gestures at posting here. But anyway, the hectic period seems to have passed, so we should be back to the usual frequency of posting (and probably the usual kind of content – sneering at adverts, book covers, and dodgy journalism; the very heights of sophistication) now.

Anyway, enough about me, how have you been?

Did You See This In The Evening Standard Yesterday?

I had a go at it, but of a possible ten, I only got three answers right.

(Is this remark in bad taste? Very possibly, but I think we know who trivialised the issue with their idiotic choice of words.)

How Do I Feel About The Paucity Of Updates Over The Last Couple Of Days?

Very much like this chap, though thankfully with less threat to the safety of others.

More content coming soon, I promise. But in the meantime, why not take a look at the excellent blogs listed in the column to the right?

Sharps Update

Waiting to hear if you’ve made it through to the next round? Me too… but take a look here.

Two hours, then.

I recommend a cup of tea while waiting…

Words. In Scripts, E-Mail Inboxes, On Webpages, And On The Printed Page. Words. Oh, How I Love Them…

Officially speaking, today is the day when folks who’ve got through to the next round of the BBC Writersroom Sharps competition will get that bit of good news. So I suspect I won’t be the only person who’ll be checking their e-mail Inbox a fair bit today. Fingers crossed, and good luck to everyone else who entered – do let me know if you get through.

As David points out, the odds are actually quite good for Sharps entrants – Writersroom received around 600 scripts, and with 20 places in the next round, on a mathematical basis alone that gives each entrant a 1 in 30 chance. Inevitably, I liken this to being the one child chosen out of your class for something special, though that estimate of class size might just show how horribly out of touch with the kids I am.

However, as I said when Sharps was announced, I do wonder if Writersroom might have set themselves a very tight timescale in relation to notifying the next-stagers – the deadline was noon this Monday, and people are due to be told today if they’ve got through, which certainly needs a swift turnaround. I’ve had some reassurance in that they sent me an e-mail to acknowledge my script had been received, but I know that some other people (such as Lucy) haven’t yet heard – indeed, the Writersroom blog has actually asked that people who haven’t heard by next Monday let them know as much. I am, though, a little bemused how this will work, what with today being Announcement Day… hmm. Anyway, I guess they must have found a way to make it so folks aren’t penalised due to postal hassles. Certainly have to hope so.

In other BBC writing-related news, it seems that the aformentioned Writersroom is going on tour – click here for more details (though once again it was on David’s blog that I first read about this. Credit where it’s due).

If you can’t be bothered to click the links (which is understandable, as I’m well aware this post’s awash with them – and there’ll be several more before it’s over), then Edinburgh-dwelling writers should be aware that the BBC Writersroom will be visiting the Traverse Theatre next week, on Tuesday 24th June, between 5pm and 6.30pm. If you want to go, you need to be on the guest list, which you can do by e-mailing writersroom@bbc.co.uk.

For non-Edinburgers like me, there are also roadshows planned for Belfast, Birmingham, Brighton, Bristol, Cardiff, Leicester, London, Manchester and Sheffield, so it’ll be a case of keeping an eye out for announcements on the BBC Writersroom homepage, but I think it’ll be worth it. I certainly intend to go to the London one if I can.

Moving into the realms of non-BBC writing stuff, my entry for the Waterstones ‘What’s Your Story?’ competition is now available to view online. Click here and then go to the Gallery, where you can either see it on page 13 (well, that’s where it was last night) or you can search for it by my surname. If you do the latter, then I also recommend you search for the entries by Jason Arnopp and Laura Anderson, two friendly folks from the world of the blogternet who, as you can see, are not exactly shabby when it comes to the ol’ writing business.

My entry, I hasten to add, features a guest appearance from the left hand of my lovely fiancee; her engagement ring is just visible, which I hope will help scotch those rumours that I got her a ring from a gumball machine outside the newsagent. Though oddly enough, she seems to feel that giving her more shiny trinkets would be a good thing. Hmm. Anyway, as 4200 people entered that competition and there are only two slots for adult winners, the odds are slightly less favourable than 1 in 30, but it was an interesting exercise anyway. Can’t hurt, I like to think…

And finally in this post about the written word, I wanted to draw your attention to the fact that if you buy a copy of The Times from a High Street branch of WHSmith this week, you can also pick up a copy of the novel, ‘The End Of Mr Y’ by Scarlett Thomas for a mere £2.99. That’s a full fiver off the cover price, which can’t hurt given the current economic climate, right?

In the interest of honesty, I should say I haven’t read my copy yet, but I’ve thoroughly enjoyed Scarlett’s last three books*, and as she seems to be developing as a novelist with every successive book, I have no reason to think this one will disappoint. Granted, you have to buy The Times, which may not be your thing (it’s hardly mine, though some of the Review sections are pretty decent), but you can always lob that in the recycling box.

The offer only runs until Sunday, after which I gather another book will be offered in the same fashion. Not a bad way to try out unfamiliar authors, I’d say, or a bargainous way to buy books by those you already know and like.

*I’m not being overly familiar here, I like to think; Scarlett was kind enough to reply to an e-mail I sent her about her novel ‘Popco’, so I feel using her first name is okay. And anyway, this is a blog post, not an academic text, so ner.

Oh, And I Guess The Receptionist In ‘Casualty’ Fits Somewhere In This Sequence

The passing of a mere three years, and I think we all have to agree that Stephen ‘Tintin’ Duffy looks really very different.

Amazing what they can do nowadays.

(In case it worries you, I’m not having a go at the Duffster at all; her album’s a great listen, and I certainly like it as much as her surnamesake’s work with The Lilac Time and the like. But as regular readers will know by now, I’m not going to let the fact I actually like someone’s work get in the way of a cheap and puerile post.)

Me Me Meme Me Me (Not Egotism, It’s The Sound Of A Singer Doing Warm-Up Exercises)…

Emerging from her blog-hibernation, Lianne has reassured the world that her radio silence wasn’t due to bad stuff (which is good to hear), and as if to prove it she’s thrown a ‘meme’ towards seven people, myself included. It goes like this:

“List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your spring. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to”.

It’s my first time being tagged in this way (though there’s another similar post which I’ve been meaning to do for a few weeks, and hopefully which will surface in the next couple of days), so please be gentle with me if I make a fool of myself, but my answers are…

1. ‘November’ by Steven Lindsay – From the album Exit Music, which (along with his more recent album Kite) was looping as I did a lot of writing last week. It’s a beautiful song – very melancholy, but Lindsay’s voice is great, and the arrangement is perfect for the overall feel of the song. To my mild amusement, it reminds me of the U2 song ‘October’, and I was wondering if it was possible to create a playlist of songs with months in their titles, but I ran pretty dry after these two. Any suggestions? Please let me know.

2. ‘Alive’ by Meat Loaf – From the not really very good Bat Out Of Hell III, this is probably the only decent track on it that’s not written by Jim Steinman; in these apparently-sensitive times, I’m impressed by the use of the couplet ‘I’m a runway train on a broken track / I’m a ticker on a bomb that you can’t turn back’, and there’s a nice breakdown bit towards the end. It’s as ridiculous and overblown as you’d expect from a Meat Loaf song, of course, but I like it.

3. ‘Join With Us’ by The Feeling – I feel a combination of surprise and disappointment that this is being used in a car advert, as it struck me as an obvious choice for a single, but I guess in these downloadin’ days the idea of single releases is kind of limited to the songs they make a video for, and maybe they see the advert as a similar promotional tool? I dunno, but I’ve thought this was the best song on the album of the same name, mainly because of the frankly ludicrous lyric ‘Ring Ring, beep beep, ah-ha’, which I think is delightfully stupid, though of course it does rather invite criticism for being, well, nonsense. But I like it.

4. ‘The Beat that my Heart Skipped’ by Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip – This is a strange one. This song was one listed as part of the soundtrack for the latest issue of the comic Casanova (first issue to read free online here – fourth row down), suggested by the rather talented writer, Matt Fraction. It’s a pacey little number, awash with lyrics, and my first hearing of it made me think it was kind of positive and romantic, and the title inevitably made me think of m’lady. However, having looked at the lyrics, I have to say that it’s far more ambivalent about the object of his affection. Oop. Anyway, I think it’s a good song regardless of this.

5. ‘Foux du Fafa’ by Flight of The Conchords – Is stuck in my head a lot at the moment, mainly because of the utterly ridiculous lyrics. I love the exchange ‘Ou est le discotheque?’ ‘C’est ici, bebe!’ but that may be because I am little more than a child. I genuinely urge you to listen to the whole album, it’s a great deal of fun – even if the impressive sales of it do rather undermine the joke that the ‘Chords (as they’re known by, er, nobody but me) are a failure as a group. Though for me, that makes it even funnier.

6. ‘True Faith’ by New Order – I used to share a house with a chap who was a huge fan of New Order, and the following dialogue took place more than once:
Me: Come on Jason, you must know the one I mean.
He: No, I don’t.
Me: You MUST. It goes ‘de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-dee-dee-dee, something-something-something, rising sun’
He: No, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Stop going on about this.
…After I found out what the song actually is, I discover it’s one of New Order’s bigger hits. Makes me wonder if he was a fan at all. Anyway, I think it’s a really strong song (in either its original or its 1994 remixed version), and if I get another tune stuck in my head – an irritating one, I mean – I tend to focus on this one and push the unwanted one out. Might sound mad, but it works for me, probably something to do with the drums at the start. Oh, the sound of drums…

7. ‘Only Myself To Blame’ by Scott Walker – I was reminded of this song after hearing the similarly-titled ‘Nobody’s Fault But Mine’ by Beth Rowley (which is also rather good), and it’s a smashing recent re-discovery. I’ve heard Mr Walker referred to as ‘God’s Tonsils’, and the sheer breadth of his voice on this song shows why. Oddly enough, this song is from the soundtrack to the Bond film ‘The World Is Not Enough’, but I’m not quite sure how it’s supposed to fit in with the theme of the film, as it’s brimful with regret and melancholy, and not so much about boat chases down the Thames. Not that it really matters; the song’s fab, in my opinion.

… so, then, those are my (currently) magnificent seven. I think they should all be easy enough to find and download through the wonders of the internet, so you can always make up a mixtape or playlist and give it some witty variation on my name like ‘Danger Soanes’. Oh all right then, don’t. Suit yerself.

Now, I’m supposed to tag seven people with this, so I will – lord only knows if they’ll even see this or respond, but I want to do my bit for the spread of the meme, since I was amused and slightly touched to be tagged in the first place. And so I hereby tag M’colleague, Steve, Fwengebola, Marie, Angie, Elinor, and lastly but not leastly Jon (this last is a thinly-veiled attempt to check Jon’s all right, as he seems – as Lianne recently was – to be blog-hibernating. See how I returned to the opening theme there? Ah, life and its cycles…).

From The Desk Of Derek Marchant, CEO, Formoline Ltd

To: Trevor Stephens, Marketing and Communications
cc: Paula Hennings, COO
Subject: TV Advert

Dear Trevor

Many thanks for sending me a preview DVD of the new advert. I gather we’ve booked a series of TV slots for this one, mainly during programmes aimed at the female viewer.

One question, though: are you actually aware of what an advert is meant to do? In case you’re not sure, it’s meant to make people want to buy the product, which usually involves actually saying what the item is, what it does, and minor details like that.

Instead, you seem to have wasted our ten seconds, and the not inconsiderable budget we gave you, on stating the company name, and doing a little play on the name – which might have been quite witty if you’d actually made the name up, but you didn’t, and we knew full well that there was a homonym element to it when we named the company.

As I don’t know what you think you’re doing, or where the money’s gone, I’ve instructed IT to disable your system logon as of noon today, and security have been told to remove you from the premises if you’re still at your desk then.

Please make it easy for all of us and leave with some dignity, and we’ll all pretend that this never happened – I can’t imagine it’s something you’ll want to include in your showreel.

Yours

Derek

Tunnel Vision

Got to design the cover for a thriller this summer?
Why not take the ‘dark figure in a corridor’ design from the front of The Da Vinci Code, and change it so the spooky figure’s walking towards you instead of towards the left?
Nobody’s ever thought of it before!

Job done, knock off and head to the pub. Well done!

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