Category: Fish In A Barrel Page 11 of 23

It’s Not Easy Coming Up With Ideas, You Know

Yeah, we’ve got this new rom-com coming out.

We’re not expecting it to break any records or anything – after all, audiences have never seemed to be as keen on Matthew McConaughey as the studios are – but I thought it wouldn’t hurt to aim high. Why not, you know?

So I thought that, for the poster design, I’d rip off one of the most successful romantic comedies of all time. I reckon some of the magic should rub off, but nobody’ll guess why, and I’ll get all the glory.

Unless someone with nothing better to do with their time notices it, of course, but hey, what can you do?

As Volume Often Trumps Reason, Emotion Can Overwhelm Diction

When I was a long-haired lout of a student (as opposed to my current long-haired fop status), the Cocteau Twins were very popular amongst the NUS/NME fraternity.

I don’t know if you remember the group, but they were – like the Thompson Twins – comprised of more than two members, and were not twins. Anyway, one of the things which made them rather distinctive was the way that singer Elizabeth Frazer would sings lyrics in a fashion which made them almost impossible to understand; like a radio tuning in and out, there were flashes of clarity, when you could make out several words in a line (sometimes even consecutive words), but a lot of the time it was as if she was speaking in tongues.

It was, nonetheless, quite effective, and it was certainly pretty popular. I was reminded of this style of singing the other day when I heard, on the radio, the Leona Lewis cover version of the Snow Patrol song Run, where the vocal performance seems to waver in and out of coherence.

For instance, I know that the chorus goes pretty much like this:

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear

But when Leona sings it, and blurs one word into another and then on into another, I hear something more like:

Liar, Liar
Andy you have my toys
Evey nifoo cannar ear mavoy
Arby rarby sardoo dear

…It’s probably just my contrary and snarky streak that hears it that way, of course, but on the other hand it could mean that we should dismiss 80s-style synth-pop as the next big thing, and look to glossolalia as the way of the future.

If so, it’s probably for the best that Smash Hits is no longer a going concern, as it would have been a nightmare trying to reproduce songwords, especially in these days of Spellcheck.

Speaking of things religious and music-related, is it just me, or does the genuine group The Priests look alarmingly like a storyline from Father Ted?

With This Scent, You Too Can Woo Suspiciously Humanoid Females Of Various Alien Species. As Kirk Might Say, “…Oh My”.

So then, join me in being slightly bemused by the forthcoming Star Trek fragrances.

Pictured are the two aimed at men, Tiberius, which will enable you to shout the word “Khan” with startling passion, and – more amusingly to my mind – Red Shirt, because (and I quote) “Tomorrow may never come”. For the ladies, and not pictured (but you can find out more about it at the link), there’s a fragrance named after a Vulcan mating ritual, which I can only hope is a bit more alluring than it sounds.

Still, as one who frequents comic shops and other purveyors of TV and Film merchandise, it’s nice to see someone’s – well, if not necessarily conceding that some hardcore Trek fans can be a bit on the whiffy side, at least addressing the possibility. And in a collectible fashion, no less.

Forget warp drives, that’s what I call progress.

First Album Cover Photo Shoot? Let’s Make It Something Lively And Eye-Catching Which Will Appeal To As Wide An Audience As Possible, Right?

Oh dear.

Could we get a coffee for Mr Quigg, please? Or some Red Bull?

Ah sod it, get a man with a pointy stick.

Protocol Has Clearly Changed – Better Keep Russell Brand Away From Her Majesty

1992 : Australian Premier Paul Keating touches the Queen, and is branded “The Lizard Of Oz” by the British media.

2000: Australian Prime Minister John Howard is accused of touching the Queen during a royal visit. Howard’s office issues a statement denying “any contact whatsoever”.

2009: Michelle Obama hugs the Queen during the G20 visit. The Queen appears to hug her back.

Perhaps it’s a question of changing times and the softened role of the monarchy, but I know one thing: if you’re going to touch QE2, make sure you’re not a male Australian politician.

Easy Target, Easy Like Sunday Morning…

Obviously, the adverts for plates and dolls and figurines in the Sunday newspaper colour magazines are always good for a laugh, but sometimes they surprise even me.

Today, I spy an advert for this delightful Diana figurine from the Bradford group.

The description says “A breathtaking vision of style and grace, Princess Diana melted the hearts of millions around the globe. With her radiant beauty, engaging personality and stunning sense of style, Diana captivates the imaginations of people from all walks of life. And ten years after her passing, she’s still considered to be one of the most beloved women in the world.”

Which is all very well and good, but until this morning, I didn’t realise she was nineteen feet tall.

Oh My Goodness Me

Perhaps a long time after everyone else in the world, I only found this today, but I have to share.

Don’t be fooled by the opening bit, it’s not just the Shat sitting and ‘singing’… well, not alone, anyway.

He brings friends.

Remarkable, I think you’ll agree.

Today’s Amazing Celebrity Fact

Jeffrey Beaumont from Blue Velvet and Rick Deckard from Blade Runner heavily influenced Kanye West’s distinctive eyewear.

You Only Need To Do One Thing To Ensure Your Novel Is Acclaimed …

… title it with reference to something a girl is wearing.

NB: Works just as well for tattoos as clothes or accessories.

Tch, It’s As Bad As The Rejuvenation (And Shaving) of Cap’n Birdseye

Illustrated for your comparison pleasure, the old and new versions of the advertising character Mr Muscle.

His appearance seems to have changed from Clark Kent* to Superman, which is a bit disconcerting.

Are steroids involved, do you think?

*Or a young Stephen Merchant.

Page 11 of 23

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