Author: John Page 29 of 121

Online – As In Reality – My Housekeeping Comes In Fits And Starts

I’m painfully aware that there’s little so self-indulgent as blogging about blogging, and the following skates perilously close to it, so I’ll keep this short:

E-Mail
If you’ve sent me an e-mail in the last couple of days and not had any kind of reply, sorry about that, but I’m having some problems with my e-mail settings. Remember kids, don’t try to reset your e-mail account if you don’t know what you’re doing. The world of POP3 and SMTP is not for the dilettante.

Website
I’ve set up a revised, Flash-based, version of my website, which can be seen here. I quite like the look of it – it’s obviously more professional – but I’m not entirely sure that the Flash-based nature of it is a good idea (I know not all machines can access such sites). If you’d care to have a look at it, and let me know what you think, I’ll see if the general consensus is that it should replace my site, or if I should get on with updating it in some other fashion. Thanks.

This blog
I’ll probably be doing a bit of tidying up round here this weekend, including removing links to sites which are infrequently updated, that kind of thing. I’m also inclined to remove the Followers section from the sidebar, as it looks – as M’colleague has said in the past – a bit like the sort of ‘people collecting’ that Facebook, Myspace and Twitter seem to encourage, and I’m not at all comfortable with that. I genuinely appreciate people being kind enough to follow the updates to this blog, but I’ll probably hide that section in future, much as I appreciate your support. Unless, of course, there are violent objections. Do let me know.

And now, before I start telling you about the oh-so-funny thing my cat was doing this morning, I’m off. Proper update tomorrow, honest.

An Open Letter To All British TV Channels

Dear Television

How are you? I know I haven’t been watching you so much recently, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wish you well. Lord knows we’ve had some good times, you and I, and there’s loads of credit in the bank, so don’t worry too much.

Anyway, this is just a quick note to make a request – quite a specific one, and nothing too onerous; certainly not as major as, say, asking you not to constantly provide me with ‘coming up’ and recap sections within half-hour programmes, or even asking you to stop the chaps on Celebrity Masterchef from shouting all the time. So, as it’s a wee thing, I was wondering if you could do it for me.

Is it possible for you to stop the continuity announcers from thinking that they’re part of the programme? I understand it must be a bit dull for them being sat there all day or night with a copy of the TV schedule and a microphone, but a lot of them seem to think that the closing titles of a programme are in some way improved by them saying “Oh, looks like he’s in trouble now!’ or “I don’t know how he’ll get out of that!” after a tense ending to a programme. And oddly enough, I don’t need to be told what’s just happened in the programme, as I’ve got eyes and ears, and I was, well, watching the programme.

It’s just a minor thing, and shouldn’t be too difficult to do – if it’s something you’ve started to do to indulge the announcers, maybe you could turn their mic off and let them think their comments are going out? I don’t want to hurt their feelings or anything, but if they think their words are the main attraction, maybe radio would be the appropriate medium for them? Just a notion.

As I say, it’s a small thing, but I’d appreciate it. I’ll see you soon, I’m sure, but until them, stay well, and love to the family!

Best regards

John

Free Music Downloads, Without The Guilt Or Fear Of Legal Reprisals

I think I’ve mentioned Adam and Joe’s 6music podcasts here before – they’re very funny, and free, which never hurts.

Over summer, their show’s on holiday, but like true professionals they’ve ensured service continues, and so they’re currently running a series of podcasts which include the silliest songs from their weekly Song Wars feature. And they explain how the songs came to be, and that sort of thing. I recommend you have a listen by going here. They are very silly men.

Even better, you can download the songs themselves, shorn of all the chat and creative insight, from their blog, which is here.

No, I’m not on their payroll or on commission or anything, I just think their stuff’s funny, and thought I’d share. Despite what you may have heard, I’m nice like that.

You May Find The Image Accompanying This Post Offensive… Or Deeply Erotic. Or Both.

I wasn’t a fan of his Ali G character (mainly because it seemed to end up being the item it seemed intended to parody), but Borat made me admire Sacha Baron Cohen for his sheer willingness to make himself look stupid or just awkward for the sake of a joke. Which is something I always admire.

But I’ve just found out that in his latest film Bruno, he taunts members of the Westboro Baptist Church.

Oh, Mr Baron Cohen, assuming you’re on some kind of points, you will be receiving some of my money soon. I say bravo.

Money Can’t Buy You Happiness…



… nor, it seems, a decent understanding of contraception.

(Don’t You Dare Close Your Eyes)

It’s an obvious target, granted, but I still find the reviews for this item – particularly the first one – rather amusing.

And what the jiggins is going on with the third item that customers also viewed? Very odd.

Even Better Than Christopher Cross Or Edward Woodward

I think this chap has one of the best names I’ve ever seen.

Whaddaya mean, I’m easily pleased? Tch, you’re harsh sometimes.

It’s Like Collecting Star Wars Cards, Only For The Bookshelf



I need 12.02 and 12.03 for my collection, can anyone help?

Bear In Mind That I Am A Huge Admirer Of Alan Moore’s Work. And I Don’t Just Mean I’m Increasingly Sizey

In the short story A Second Chance, published in 2000AD Prog 245 (Jan 1982), and written by Alan Moore and drawn by Jose Casanovas, the world’s ravaged by war, and a man and woman crawl from the wreckage.

They realise they have to start humanity over again, and the man says:

“Mavis,” she replies.

All rather amusing, I thought at the time, and I still do now. My expectations were confounded and from thence the humour arose.

However, have a look at this, the last three lines of the post-apocalyptic story The Voice In The Garden, written by Harlan Ellison in 1967, where a man and a woman talk about how they have to restart the human race:

He touched her hand. “I love you, What is your name?”
She flushed slightly. “Eve,” she said. “What’s yours?”
“Bernie,” he said.

I’m genuinely not accusing Mr Moore of nicking this idea, I think it’s probably one of those cases of ‘morphic resonance’ or an idea occurring independently to separate people at separate times, like Tesla and Edison. But I have to say that, given how popular both of these writers are. I’m surprised that I haven’t seen this comparison made before… can I truly be the first person to have spotted it?

Art from 2000AD (c) Copyright Rebellion Inc, 2009. Quote from The Voice In The Garden (c) The Kilimanjaro Corporation 1967, 2009. No infringement is intended, especially as I’m so keen on both the authors’ work.

It Has Been… Oh, Nearly Three Decades Since I Should Have Made This Confession

Back in 1981, I was a contestant on the children’s TV quiz show Runaround. That’s right, m’dears, at the tender age of 10, I first saw the heady heights of fame… or, at least, was on a networked TV programme.

For those of you who don’t remember Runaround, it was essentially a multiple-choice quiz; a question was asked, with the possible answers shown on the wall at the far side of the studio. When the host – Mike ‘Frank Butcher off EastEnders‘ Reid shouted “G-g-g-g-g-g-g-go!”, the contestants would run across the studio and stand in front of the answer they thought was correct. After a few seconds in which you could change your mind, the answer was revealed by a light being shone on the contestants who’d got it right. If you got it wrong, you went into the ‘Sin Bin’, and were out of the game until… er, I forget, but if you got it right, you picked up a coloured ball. The contestant with the most balls at the end of the show was the winner.

Look, I know it sounds basic, but it was a simpler time, all right? We didn’t have crack cocaine and Nintendo iPlaypods, we had to make do with simpler pleasures.

Anyway, this was all filmed at the Southampton studios of now-defunct regional broadcasters Southern Television. To get contestants, they’d come to nearby schools and ask a number of questions – I, strangely enough, got in because I was able to show I had a name beginning with a certain letter of the alphabet, and also had a particular number of pets at home. I didn’t lie about either of these things, but I probably could have. Still, they weren’t looking for Mastermind contestants, I guess, just kids who could read and run, so the entry requirements weren’t too stringent. Eventually, they had enough contestants from the school (four or five, I think), and a date was set.

The day itself was pretty exciting – we were given a bit of a tour of the building (peeping into a room where they were recording something for How), and taken down to the studio where we’d be filming that afternoon. It was a pretty big studio, and so they filled it was coachloads of schoolkids from the surrounding area, including the schools the contestants were drawn from. Then there was a bit of hanging around, and we changed into our specially-personalised Runaround t-shirts and went down for the filming. To say I was excited was an understatement.

At the start of the show, the contestants (the four or five from my school, plus an opposing team from another school, though it was more about trying to win for yourself than any kind of team effort) would run out through a tunnel-shaped opening, and so as the filming began, we were lined up in the tunnel. And this is the point where I make my torrid confession, here on the interweb, to you. Have you ever been in a TV studio, maybe to watch the filming of a show? Well, if you have, you may have seen a lot of the cameras have small spiral-bound pads clipped to them, giving the camera operators a rundown of the places to focus on, etc. In the tunnel before the show started, there was a camera, and on the running order there I could see that for the first question (about how many days there are in July, I think) answer B was circled.

Yes, I’m not proud of it, but I went for B on the first question, and it was indeed correct. I cheated. Not a good thing…

… but there was pretty much instant karma, as I quickly got the next question wrong and spent a lot of time in the Sin Bin, and didn’t come anywhere near winning, so verily cheats did not prosper that day. And rightly so. Who knows how different it might have been if I’d got the first question wrong?

Anyway, whilst I didn’t win the top prize – a portable TV – when it came to the tiebreaker between two boys from the other school, I did have my first insight into the wanton trickery of the televisual medium; the tiebreak question was “What is the fourth month of the year?” and it took them about seven guesses to get it right, but when the show was broadcast, the boy who won appeared to have replied pretty much instantaneously. Oh, television editing, you are misleading.

My prize, for those of you who are interested, was a then-top-of-the-line digital watch; which meant that it told the time, date, and – brace yourself – seconds. About five years later, it was pretty much the sort of watch they’d give you free if you bought £5 worth of petrol, but that’s the march of progress for you.

So, having learned a salutary lesson about cheating, I made my way home, with my watch, Mike Reid’s autograph on the back of one of the question cards (we moved house several months later, and it was lost in the move), and of course my personalised Runaround t-shirt.

Speaking of which, writing about the experience has inspired me to dig out the t-shirt and put it on for old times’ sake. Of course, I was a lot smaller then, but let’s see if I can still get into it…


…Oh.

Looks like I’ve grown a bit in the last 28 years, then.

Page 29 of 121

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