Dear Television

How are you? I know I haven’t been watching you so much recently, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wish you well. Lord knows we’ve had some good times, you and I, and there’s loads of credit in the bank, so don’t worry too much.

Anyway, this is just a quick note to make a request – quite a specific one, and nothing too onerous; certainly not as major as, say, asking you not to constantly provide me with ‘coming up’ and recap sections within half-hour programmes, or even asking you to stop the chaps on Celebrity Masterchef from shouting all the time. So, as it’s a wee thing, I was wondering if you could do it for me.

Is it possible for you to stop the continuity announcers from thinking that they’re part of the programme? I understand it must be a bit dull for them being sat there all day or night with a copy of the TV schedule and a microphone, but a lot of them seem to think that the closing titles of a programme are in some way improved by them saying “Oh, looks like he’s in trouble now!’ or “I don’t know how he’ll get out of that!” after a tense ending to a programme. And oddly enough, I don’t need to be told what’s just happened in the programme, as I’ve got eyes and ears, and I was, well, watching the programme.

It’s just a minor thing, and shouldn’t be too difficult to do – if it’s something you’ve started to do to indulge the announcers, maybe you could turn their mic off and let them think their comments are going out? I don’t want to hurt their feelings or anything, but if they think their words are the main attraction, maybe radio would be the appropriate medium for them? Just a notion.

As I say, it’s a small thing, but I’d appreciate it. I’ll see you soon, I’m sure, but until them, stay well, and love to the family!

Best regards