Author: John Page 22 of 121

I Often Feel It’s Important To Be Able To Express Opinions On Books I Haven’t Read, Especially Those Which I Deliberately Haven’t Read

On 30/09/2009

In Books, Fish In A Barrel, Link, Uncategorized

Over at her always-fun blog, Marie Phillips has been talking about the imminent release of The Mistress by Martine McCutcheon, and what it may say about the publishing industry.

I think she makes some very valid points, and having read the first chapter which is available here, I was oddly put in mind of American Psycho‘s incessant name-checking. And faintly appalled to see the ‘having them look in the mirror to justify describing the protagonist’ trick making its appearance in the sixth paragraph, but that’s probably just me being jaded and cynical; the book’s aimed at a very specific market, and I’m not that market. So be it, there are enough books on my ‘to be read’ shelves already.

But before I shrug my shoulders and move on, two things which came to mind:

Point the first: in the first eight paragraphs of Chapter One, there are two references to Grazia magazine. This strikes me as odd, given that Martine McCutcheon is a columnist for Reveal magazine.

Point the second: the book details given at the foot of this page state that the book will measure 197mm x 130mm, and be comprised of 336 pages, and yet weigh 0 kg. The very definition of a “light read”, I guess.

My immediate suspicion was that this book may well have been ghost-written (though I could be wrong), and the notion of a ghost-written book by a celebrity reminds me of the novel with Naomi Campbell’s name on the cover, Swan (there seems to be a substantial body of evidence to suggest I shouldn’t refer to the novel with as ‘belonging to’ Ms Campbell).

At the time of its publication, I seem to recall reading an amusing – and very probably apocryphal – tale about a journalist pressing her about the authorship of the book; after a while, Ms Campbell was tiring of being hassled in this way.

“Look,” she allegedly said, “have you read my book?”
“No,” the journalist reportedly answered. “Have you?”

You Never Got This Kind Of Thing With Delia Smith. Well, Apart From That Time She Endorsed ‘Cranberries’, But That’s An Obscure Bit Of Slang At Best

By John

On 29/09/2009

In Fish In A Barrel, Link, TV, Uncategorized

As referred to in a post some time ago, the search-engine baiting Nigella Lawson Topless Milk Jugs have probably enticed in Google-using admirers who were hoping for something rather saucy.

However, I feel that fans of TV Chef James Martin are likely to be disappointed by the name of an item in his cookware range – specifically, this one.

Still, I think we all appreciate his candour.

Reconstruction: Spotted In WHSmith Over The Weekend…

By John

On 28/09/2009

In Bookfight, Twins, Uncategorized

…and placed on adjacent shelves in such as fashion as to make the similarity of colour schemes all the more apparent.

Well, it made me smile.

Probably Best Not To Leave It Until Christmas Eve, Mind

By John

On 27/09/2009

In Books, Link, Uncategorized

Just a quick money-saving book-related tip I wanted to pass on to you good people: if you buy items totalling over £25 from Borders Online, you can save £5 off that total – and, even better, get 5% of your total spend donated to Oxfam – by typing the code loveoxfam into the ‘promotional code’ box. This offer runs until 24 December 2009.

I have to admit that I don’t use their online service very often (though I frequently find myself losing hours in their shops), but a fiver off and money to Oxfam appeals to my miserly and philanthropic tendencies at the same time, so I thought I’d share.

Feel free to tell your friends (and enemies, and people who are emotionally neutral towards you).

Unlikely Legal Entities

By John

On 26/09/2009

In Film, Fish In A Barrel, Music, Pictures, Uncategorized

I’d like to have been at Companies House the day the incorporation paperwork for these arrived.

Picture Spell

By John

On 25/09/2009

In Hype, Link, Pictures, Uncategorized

I post about writing often enough, it seems right that I occasionally say something about reading (well, more accurately spelling), wouldn’t you say?

A very old friend of mine (by which I mean she’s been a friend for a long time, not that she’s particularly aged, though knowing me has probably put the appearance of years on her), Rachel, is an experienced teacher, and she and an artist friend have recently put together an item designed to help children learn to spell. It’s called Picture Spell.

I’m not an expert on spelling and/or teaching, but the basic idea behind Picture Spell strikes me as a solid one; it uses pictures to teach children about the way the same sound can be formed by different combinations of letters.

Granted, as a reader of comics, I’m bound to be biased when it comes to items which combine words and pictures, but it seems a pretty sensible way to work on both hemispheres of the brain, and combining images and letters has a long and well-established history when it comes to helping people remember things; as well as the fact that the US Army has long used text and illustrations to teach soldiers how to carry out their duties, there was a little pics’n’words combo called the Bayeux Tapestry.

Anyway, this seems like a good idea, and so if you’ve got children who are about 5 or 6, you might want to think about this as a supplement to their school reading scheme. There are also packs for schools, of course, so if any of you are, or know, teachers, you might want to see if Picture Spell’s suitable for your classroom.

Learning to spell is I think, a very important thing, and anything that makes it easier has to be supported – after all, if you hadn’t learnt about the way words are spelled, the words you’re looking at right now would probably be nothing but meaningless black squiggles on a white background. A scary prospect, I know (though I’m sure some of you might aver I shouldn’t assume that my words have any real meaning, regardless of the reader’s ability to interpret them).

It Seems That Those Who Do Not Learn About Musical History Are Condemned To Write About It

By John

On 24/09/2009

In Fish In A Barrel, Link, Music, Uncategorized

As you may have seen in the press- usually illustrated by pictures of the new line-up in tight-fitting pseudo-undergarment outfits – the last remaining original member of the popular beat trio the ‘Sugababes’ (whose name always looks to me like a pretty direct attempt to copy that of the Spice Girls), has *ahem* departed the group.

As a result, there have been a number of journalists and other folks commenting about whether or not this means the Sugababes as a band still exists; Trigger’s broom and Theseus’s Ship have been invoked, on the basis that since none of the original band remains, surely they cannot be called the Sugababes?

Oh, the philosophical conundrum, how it makes our heads spin (accompanied by pictures of three women in limited clothing)… but there is a precedent for this, and I can’t help but wondering if people know about it, and are ignoring it in favour of filling column inches with photos of the new line-up filming their “raunchy* new video”, or if they are unaware of it, despite it spanning over three decades?

Anyway, no, I’m not going to refer to the tangled history of Bucks Fizz, I’m talking about a much longer-lived band than that, whose members come and go with the frequency of Big Brother contestants.

Here on the blog, for one night only (with this line-up, if history is anything to go by), I give you… Menudo.

*A word which tends to be used in print more than it is said aloud … unless perhaps someone’s mum is referring to Tom Jones or Chico Slimani.

Rabbit At Rest

By John

On 23/09/2009

In Link, Music, Pictures, Uncategorized

A moment’s reverent hush, if you will, for the news that venerable music duo Chas and Dave have split up .

(Pause)

Thank you. As you were.

Everything That Has An Ending Has A Beginning

By John

On 22/09/2009

In Books, Uncategorized, Writing

I’ve been thinking about opening lines to books a bit recently, not least because The Body Orchard, the next book I want to write, has been stewing in my head for a while, and I’m ready to start writing it.

It’s a truth universally accepted that most articles about Jane Austen will start with a paraphrase of the opening line of Emma, though I must admit I’ve always found the sentiments of the sentence (which I’m far from inclined to accept) tend to put me off a bit.

I recall being told at school that the start of The Catcher In The Rye was noted for its length and flippant tone, and I could kind of see why, but then a decade or so I found an ‘uncut’ version of the book, which included a whole new section at the end of that well-regarded sentence, which was a bit off-putting.

I’ve always been fond of the beginning of Kafka’s The Trial, with its almost casual reference to the fact that the soon-to-be persecuted protagonist is innocent, and now I think about it the start of Metamorphosis is pretty classy too, and is certainly bolstered by the fact that (if memory serves) the story doesn’t go on to explain exactly why Gregor has turned into an insect. The opening sentence draws you in with the ‘what the hell..?’ factor, and then it’s too late, they’re knocking at the door and you’re in the story.

Isn’t there a story by Poe or Defoe (or maybe it was Cotton Eye Joe?) which has a line on the first page to the effect that if you read a page of it, you’ll soon forget the fact it’s meant to be a tale which the narrator is telling you? “Read one page, and I will be forgot” or something like that. Classy if you can pull it off, but I’m not so sure I could be that confident, and besides I’m such a rampant egomaniac I want everyone reading my stuff to be remembering my name, fame, I’m gonna live for ever.

More than anything else, though, I found myself thinking that one of the best opening lines I’ve ever read is the first line of the first chapter of the first book of Stephen King’s Dark Tower series:

“The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.”

I think that’s very effective writing – sets up who, where and what’s going on, and of course raises a lot of questions in the reader’s mind. A good way to rope you in (which is probably very wise indeed, as Mr K intends to keep your attention for seven books before the tale is told).

So, it’s very probably with this line very much in mind that, last night, I wrote the following:

The dying man coughed, sending a spray of blood onto the living room carpet.

Sure, the content’s not very pleasant, and I’m sure that it’ll get changed more than once in the rewrite… but it’s a start.