Category: Personal Page 13 of 19

And A Very Merry Christmas To All Of You

If you’re reading this shortly after I post it, you really ought to go to bed – Santa doesn’t come if you’re still awake.

That consideration aside, I hope you have a good day, and that you spend it with people who you want to be with, and that you have fun.

I’m reliably informed that the actual translation of the latin phrase “et in terra pax hominibus, bonae voluntatis”, because it involves the genetive case, actually means “Peace on earth to men of good will”, but I think we can stretch to the usual mistranslation, and so I wish a whole bunch of high quality will (and not in the Nietzschean sense) to each and every one of you.

As Derek Batey used to say, be nice to each other.

As I Know He Reads The Blog, I’d Like To Acknowledge That My Brother – Though He’s Not Imaginary Like Donald Kaufman – Also Does His Job Jolly Well

There’s a poll currently running on the Writers’ Guild Blog : “Do you believe in writers’ block?”

The two answers given are ‘Yes, it’s all too real’, and ‘No, it’s just an excuse to procrastinate’, and if you want to, I think you can still vote, so if you feel strongly either way and want to make your opinion known, follow the above link and click away.

I’ve been mulling it over a bit, partly because of the question asked by the WGGB, partly because of this post by Andrew ‘They Call Me Mister’ Tibbs, though mainly because I’ve recently rewatched Adaptation, a good film which is certainly worth seeing (if you haven’t already done so).

As you may well know, the film tells the story of screenwriter Charlie Kaufman’s struggle to adapt the book The Orchid Thief by Susan Orlean into a screenplay, and interweaves the tale of the book itself with his writing struggles (with something that certainly looks like writer’s block), to the point where the film is ultimately more about that than the content of Orlean’s book (though that just be me preferring the tale of the storyteller than the flora-seller). In the film, Kaufman stares hopelessly at the blank page in his typewriter, wrestling with both problems of story and his own self-worth (made all the more prominent by comparison with his [imaginary] twin Donald, who has enormous success with his own more obviously populist script).

It reminded me rather of the post on Andrew’s blog, which refers to the recent Charlie Brooker programme, wherein a number of writers talked about the importance of actually getting down to writing – Tony Jordan puts it most straightforwardly when he says ‘A writer writes – the clue is in the name’ – and quite a few of them talked about how they’d write without necessarily knowing where they were going with the story. Andrew wrote about how the opposite of this can be to want to plot everything down to the smallest detail, and how that can lead to constant procrastination from the act of getting words down on the page – which is part of Kaufman’s problem in Adaptation.

I’m inconsistent in whether I plan things like mad or just dive into a story (though I invariably like to have an end in mind, lest I should go on writing for ever), although one thing I’ve realised is that it’s better if I keep my story ideas to myself; not for fear of plagiarism, but for the more mundane reason that if I get all giddy and intoxicated with the tale and end up blurting it out (usually in a half-baked form), that tends to dilute the need to write it down because – even on that pathetic level – part of me feels I’ve told the story. God only knows how I reconcile that with pitching and query letters, but I tend to make sure my first draft is finished before I get to that stage.

Anyway, I don’t really have an opinion as to whether Writers’ Block is real, though in a strange way I suspect that’s because I’ve rarely been in a position where my failure to words on paper has been like a kick to my sense of identity. I’ve only occasionally been called upon to write under that kind of pressure (well, outside of work, where the stuff I write about is usually non-fiction, though some might disagree). If I was a paid writer, I can well see that finding the well of inspiration had run dry would be akin to a bout of mental impotence – you want to do it, you know you can do it, but the more you think about it, the less likely it is to happen.

I wish I was more advanced in my writing career than I actually am – and I’m well aware that I’m the only one, ultimately, who can do anything about that – but in a way it does mean that the pressure is lower; by analogy, if I can’t be bothered to go out for a run (as has been the case more often than not since the clocks went back, and I have the waistline to prove it), I don’t have a coach or team who I’m letting down, and who’ll shout at me if I jeopardise my personal advancement, but if you’re a writer by trade, there are a lot of people who you could feel you’re letting down (as well as yourself). I can see why it could be a more pernicious situation if you feel you just can’t find it within you to write (or indeed run), so I wouldn’t want to say it’s not real just because I (fortunately) haven’t experienced it.

The main thing that keeps me from writing as much as I should, or should like to, is the tiresome and predictable issue of, you guessed it, time; again, I’m aware that I could squeeze in more writing and less loafing, and so for me at present this is a bigger challenge than Writers’ Block, though of course that may change in the future.

So, in summary, my concerns: Writers’ Block? Not yet. Writer’s Clock? You bet.

Outbreak III – The Virus Takes London

(Image nicked from Modern Humorist – not entirely germane, but I couldn’t resist sharing.)

I’m almost ashamed to tell you this, but… well, I picked up a virus over the weekend.

No, it’s not that kind of story – and my wife knows all about it – but it was kind of embarrassing. I downloaded a trial copy of WinRAR from a normally reputable source, but it turned out that it was a ‘cracked copy’ into which someone had inserted some nefarious code.

As a result I got a silly message popping up on my laptop every few minutes, and every time I tried to log on to the interweb I got redirected to some spurious-looking site which offered to sell me a security fix (for the problem it had caused). Tch.

Anyway, I resolved it – if you also suffer the ‘intervalhehe’ virus, you can sort it out by following Andy Greenwood’s instructions here – but I was concerned for a bit that all the scripts on my computer were in danger, a prospect I was far from keen on.

So kids, learn from my mistake – if you’re downloading files from the internet, make sure it’s from a source you know you can trust!

Mind You, I Did Get A New Mousemat, So I Guess It Wasn’t All Bad

As I may or may not have mentioned before, I used to work for a publisher, in their Customer Services team. It was a pretty good job, and I was pretty good at it.

It got more difficult shortly after I started, though, as they introduced a new ‘order fulfillment system’, which had a minor, niggling, teeny flaw – it was an active obstruction to getting books to customers. It tested my customer placating skills, I can tell you, and those of my colleagues alike – and one of those colleagues was my good friend Toby.

One day, Toby and I were in the kitchen at work, chatting.
“You watch,” he said, “at times like this – when things are utterly chaotic – people tend to focus on the small things, and try to control them.”
“Is that because they’re the only things they can control?” I asked.
“Exactly,” he said, and smiled knowingly.

A couple of days later, the manager of our department gathered everyone round. We hoped that he might be able to tell us that the (non)fulfillment system was being sorted out or replaced, but no: he smiled, and proudly told us they had new company mousemats for everyone.

Sigh.

Anyway, given that the general mood of the world is that an economic nightmare is inescapably descending on us all, and that it appears nothing is certain any more, I can’t help but wonder if this is why people seem a bit too keen to complain about things on TV; a way of taking back control, as it were. Ross and Brand,a two-year-old episode of Mock The Week, and now there have been complaints about an advertisement for the children’s charity Barnardo’s, and it’s been referred to the Advertising Standards Authority.

I’ve seen the advert a number of times (and I think it’s viewable here), and I agree that it contains unsettling and upsetting material. But that’s not what offends me – far more offensive to any ‘ordinary decent person’, surely, is the fact that in a supposedly civilised country, we even need charities such as Barnardo’s or Save The Children or the NSPCC?

Now, I’m all offended and upset by the idea that people might want to complain about – if not shoot – the messenger. Who do I get to call and register my complaint?

Though We Should Never Forget That Mr Sheen Also Portrayed Greg Stillson In The ‘Dead Zone’ Film, Who Also Became President…

I try to avoid writing about dreams I’ve had on the blog, because… well, mainly because it’s usually rather dull hearing about other people’s dreams.

I invariably find that my dreams are just a tangle of events and fleeting thoughts from the day, as the mind winds down and shuffles its papers like a newsreader about to knock off for the day, but I thought I’d share the following. If nothing else, it’ll give you an indication of the shape of the inside of my head, as unhealthy as it might be.

So: I dreamt that I was attending a writers’ meeting for the TV show The West Wing, where we were all called on to pitch storyline ideas for the forthcoming season. Of course, since I have no idea what the majority of the writing staff look like, the other writers and the showrunners were depicted by members of the cast – as the head of things, Aaron Sorkin was played by Martin Sheen, and so on.

Adding to the confusion is the fact that although I think it’s one of best-written shows in recent years, because Channel 4 burned off their episodes of TWW in all manner of strange places (different channels) and times (post-midnight at one stage, 8pm at another), I haven’t actually seen it beyond the stage when John Goodman comes along. So the storylines I was pitching were all being put forward without any certainty as to whether they might already have been done – though as I was also aware that Mr Sheen, like Mr Sorkin, was not in the boss-chair towards the end of things, it was as if I was pitching at some point in the show’s past.

Anyway, I woke up, and was amused by the fact that I had, in the dream, been pitching pretty good ideas at a moment’s notice (I suggested one storyline for Will Bailey which had Joshua Malina nodding as if to say he understood), bewildered at the way that my mind had chosen to depict behind-the-scenes folks with on-set equivalents, and reminded how I’d promised myself that, once I’ve completed the Christmas shopping this year, I was planning on buying myself the West Wing DVD boxset by way of reward.

And then, less than an hour later, I opened a magazine and saw an advert saying the boxset is now 75% in certain locations.

All right, Mr Subconscious, I get the message. No need to hammer it home.

Touting Myself, and Pimping A Friend

Well, after much promising and even more delaying, the new version of My Website is up and running. I won’t pretend it’s a state-of-the-art cutting-edge site, but hopefully it’ll prove useful for people who are trying to track me down or scout me out for writing purposes.

More exciting, though – and certainly much prettier to look at, with pictures and everything – is the news that my friend and wedding photographer Toby has had some of his pictures made available for sale online. For a very reasonable fee, you can buy a royalty-free image of one of his photos, and use it to your heart’s content.

Toby’s stuff can be seen and bought here, so if you’re looking for a good picture for whatever reason, it’s worth a look. In fact, if you’re looking for a photographer for whatever reason, I can heartily recommend Toby – he’s a friend, yes, but that’s because he’s friendly, as well as being very skilled with the lens. You can contact him via the above links, I believe, and please do tell him I sent you.

As Penelop Pitstop Might Say: Hay-elp! Hay-elp!

I’m once again calling on the techie expertise of you good people, I’m afraid, but you’re smart folks, and I like to think you might be happy to share your wisdom…

Can anyone out there recommend any writing templates which are compatible with Microsoft Office 2007 and Vista? The freebie BBC Scriptsmart templates, good though they are, seem to be incompatible with this set-up, and I’m having a hard time finding some comparable templates to download.

(Yes, yes, I know I’m a fool for not having a Mac, and I ought to splash out on Final Draft or something similar, but I have a PC and thus have to live with it, and I’d rather not lash out the £100+ on FD this side of Christmas.)

Any assistance much appreciated – I’ll owe you a drink (tea or something stronger, your choice).

Thanks!

Remembrance Sunday

Something I’ve discovered – which I didn’t know last Remembrance Day – is that my great-grandfather fought in World War I.

I’m still researching it further, but from what I’ve gleaned so far, he joined up in 1914 as one of the ‘Pals Battallions’ which were formed in Liverpool. As I understand it, these were formed because Lord Kitchener believed that the key to winning the war was sheer force of numbers, and so it was made possible for people to sign up with their friends and work colleagues, and serve alongside them. This was a very successful idea, as within several months over 3000 people signed up, and it appears that my great-grandfather was among them.

It’s obviously rather lame – though probably predictable – that knowing one of my ancestors served in WWI has made it feel slightly closer to home, but I think that’s probably for two reasons, really; firstly, reading about him and trying to track down further details of my great-grandfather has meant I’ve learned new things about events of his life (and indeed lifetime), which has made me more aware of them, and brought them to life for me.

Secondly, and less personally, I think it’s often the case that we learn more or feel more about major events by looking at it on a personal or human level; for me, one of the reasons why Anne Frank’s Diary Of A Young Girl is so powerful a document is because it speaks so clearly of emotions and feelings which we can all understand and relate to – fear and loneliness to name but two – and then, when you consider that her experience, and worse, was one which was shared by millions of people, it’s like a punch to the gut.

So, in the past few months, I’ve perhaps felt a greater empathy for those people who are brave enough to fight for their country, and a greater realisation of how we owe them a debt we can never truly repay. In tandem with this, unfortunately, I feel a growing sense of anger that all too many politicians seem to see war as little more than a way to gain approval points or political prestige – many of the improvements in the country set up after WWII (such as the NHS and education) are constantly being whittled away, and it seems all too clear that all of the ‘WMD’ nonsense before the invasion of Iraq was simply that – nonsense – to justify going to war. I find myself wishing that the bravery of those who are willing to fight in wars was in even partly matched by honesty on the part of the political masters who put them in harm’s way.

I respect anyone who’s willing to fight for their country, as it’s something I’m not so certain I could do. In remembrance of those who have fallen, and as a parting shot at those who seem all too willing to incite conflict, I’d like to leave you with a quote from Rudyard Kipling, specifically his Epitaphs Of The War:

‘If any question why we died,

Tell them, because our fathers lied.’

If you, or those you care about, have served in the forces, or are currently serving, I’d like to express my admiration and thanks – the comfort and safety of my daily life, I am all too aware, was bought at a high cost.

The IT Crowd: Watching The Defectives

As m’chum Steve has already recounted, on Friday night he and I went to see a filming of the Channel 4 comedy The IT Crowd. His post says a lot about the shows, so this is my more self-absorbed version of events (ahem).

It was a lot of fun, and the first time I’d seen a studio sitcom recorded in… hmm, come to think about it maybe it’s the first time ever, so it was fascinating to see how it was all done. It was filmed at Pinewood Studios, and it was startling – in the best way – to see how the offices and other rooms in the show look in reality and on screen.

Steve and I were the guests of my friend Sean, who’s IT Consultant for the show, so after Sean and the other cast and crew members had done the hard work, Steve and I stepped onto the set to help Sean with de-rigging, as it was the last show of the series. This felt kind of odd in itself – I’ve followed the show since it began, and so to be crawling round on the floor behind Roy and Moss’s desks and helping pull cables through the wall made me feel like I wasn’t quite in the real world any more (I felt like Eddie Valiant in Who Framed Roger Rabbit when he goes into Toontown).

Anyway, after we’d helped Sean do what was necessary, we were taken into the green room, where various members of the cast and crew were having a well-earned drink. Just inside the door, and looking surprisingly relaxed, was the writer-director Graham Linehan, who Sean kindly introduced me to, and explained to Graham that I’d contributed to one of the show’s websites.

Graham – and I’m going to call him by his first name because he’s a friendly chap and I don’t think he’d take offence – asked us if we’d had a good night, and specifically what we’d thought of a particular scene in the last episode, and it was very interesting to see that he’d thought of an angle on it which I hadn’t; very much a case of the creator being so in control of the material that he’s able to see things which someone who’s less steeped in it (me on this occasion) would miss. But he was friendly about it, and it was a genuine shame that I had to leg it early to get the last train home, as it would have been good to chat more.

I’ve barely touched on how funny the shows were – mainly because Steve’s covered them in more detail, and also for spoiler-related reasons – but they were very strong episodes, and all in all it made for a cracking night out, and I’m mega-grateful to Sean for getting us on the guest list.

If nothing else, looking at the size of the sets, all the lighting overhead, the cameras and mics pointing at the cast, and the number of people who were hard at work, it made me even more keen to continue with writing, given that everything in that studio was there because once, Graham Linehan sat down and typed ‘INT. OFFICE – DAY’…

Calling On The Tech-Savviness Of You Good People

Evening, all. I have two quick techie questions which I’d appreciate assistance with…

1. Does anyone know where I can get hold of the Russell Brand Radio 2 show as broadcast on Saturday 25 October? This isn’t the show with the Andrew Sachs calls, it’s the one after it, in which he alludes to the Daily Mail’s nazi-sympathising past whilst apologising to Sachs, and strangely enough the BBC didn’t release it as a podcast (and indeed they’ve removed all the old shows from iTunes and the show-related page from their website). As I used to enjoy listening to the podcasts, I feel I’d like to hear the final one by way of closure, so any links to appropriate locations would be very gratefully appreciated.

2. On a slightly more involved note, could anyone advise me how to set my ‘From’ address in Outlook 2007? I’ve got a number of e-mail addresses which feed into the programme, and I want to set it so that it shows a particular e-mail address as it goes out, and not the slightly less elegant-looking one which is the default setting. I can do it manually, but if there’s a way to do it automatically, that would be handy.

If you know the answer to both or either of the above, you’re smarter than I am, so if you want to share the wisdom around, please use the Comment facility, or you can e-mail me at ohJohnyoureallyarealuddite(at)johnsoanes.co.uk.

Thanks!

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