John – Page 47 – John Soanes

By Naming Things, We Often Come To Believe We Understand Them. Let Us, Then, Understand This Our Today

On 04/02/2009

In Fish In A Barrel, List, Uncategorized

To me, it seems painfully obvious that what this world needs now is not love sweet love, but instead something much more important : a name for the time in which we’re living.

It’s a time of great economic, political and social uncertainty, and what’s more the weather’s cold and snow is getting in the way. During the similar period in the 1970s, some bright spark called it the ‘Winter of Discontent’ (quoting Shaky, no less), and summed it all up in a mere handful of words – genius, and that’s why the phrase is still used even today to describe that era. Not as often as ‘-gate’ is slapped on the end of a situation by lazy journalists, sure, but that happens more often than most of us blink, so the comparison’s probably unfair.

Anyway, before the last of the snow melts on this sceptr’d isle (see what I did there?), I think it’s time that we tried to capture the zeitgeist, and have a quick round of Name That Time.

I invite your suggestions, but in the meantime, here are mine:

– The Even Greater Depression
– The Big Freeze
– The Bank Nationalisation Programme
– The Winter We Most Needed Woolies
– Boys (And Girls) In The Brown Stuff
– I’m Ready For My Foreclosure
– At Last The 1929 Show
– The Day I Swapped My Mortgage For Two Goldfish

Think my suggestions are garbage? That you can do better? Then please leave your suggestions using the Comment facility!

But… Whuh… Huh?

By John

On 03/02/2009

In BBC, Fish In A Barrel, Link, Uncategorized

If you ignore the fact that the report returns to the Ross-Brand-Sachs issue like a dog to its own vomit, I think there’s a fair amount of amusement to be had in this story.

I think the phrase “[t]he BNP is technically an ethnic group” may be one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time. Certainly brought a smile to my face (such as it is).

“London, This Is Snow. Snow, Meet London.”

By John

On 02/02/2009

In London, Personal, Pictures, Uncategorized

As everyone else has already pointed out, yes, it’s snowing in London today.

And I couldn’t get to work… but it’s not all bad, as the accompanying pictures show (the better photo was taken by Mrs Wife).

Looks like we’ll be going to the park soon, so may have more to share later … oh lordy, this blog post is dangerously close to becoming a Facebook status update, now, isn’t it? Still, I comfort myself with the fact that, twice when I tried to type it, I accidentally typed ‘Faecebook’…

Even By My Standards, This Is Wilfully Obscure

By John

On 01/02/2009

In Pictures, Twins, Uncategorized

I’m probably showing both my age and my strange cultural exposure here, but what the heck…

Barry Mooncult of short-lived ‘baggy’ beat group Flowered Up, and a chap advertising Be Internet

Separated at birth? Or both customers of the same horticulturally-influenced tailor? You be the judge.

Bright Lights, My City

By John

On 31/01/2009

In Link, London, Personal, Pictures, Uncategorized

I live, as I’ve probably mentioned several million times before, in London. And I love it – the city’s endlessly fascinating, and it’s been kind to me, bringing me a number of opportunities and friends I doubt I would have encountered elsewhere (and yes, that includes my lovely wife).

So, it’s with an utterly ill-founded sense of pride (seeing as how I wasn’t actually born in London, as much as I consider it my home) that I provide you with the link to this page, where you can see a selection of frankly stunning aerial pictures of London taken at night by the ferociously talented photographer Jason Hawkes.

The picture reproduced here, I hope, gives you a hint of the delights that await you – and yes, I chose this one because it’s a view of my manor, East London. Other than that, and unusually for me, I have little else to add – save that to point out that the picture above is, of course, totally and utterly copyright Jason Hawkes, and the reproduction here is done out of respect and awe as opposed to any kind of attempt to infringe!

Anyway, stop reading my semi-disclaimer, and get thee to the pictures!

If I Scribble The Name In A Hurry, It Looks More Like Tate Modem

By John

On 30/01/2009

In Hype, Link, London, Uncategorized, Writing

Thanks to Lianne for pointing out that the Tate Modern art gallery is running a story-writing competition; in conjunction with its current TH.2058 installation, you’re invited to write a 1500 word piece in keeping with the themes. The prize is quite an interesting one – six stories will be selected to be included in a downloadable audiobook, which will be read by Christopher Eccleston.

The competition closes on Sunday, and if you want to read my entry, Brittle, it was posted on the site this morning (they moderate entries to make sure there are no offensive or libellous aspects, which seems sensible), and you can see it by clicking here.

Let me know if you have a go, and if you want to comment on my story, by all means do so.

It Ships ‘Second Quarter 2009’ Though, So It’d Be Too Late For Valentine’s Day

By John

On 29/01/2009

In Link, Pictures, Uncategorized

Available to pre-order now is this little beauty – well, actually it’s wildly inaccurate to call it ‘little’, as it’s 7’8″ tall, and comes with poseable arms.

So, you can set it up in the bathroom at night with outstretched arms to freak out your nearest and dearest. And the cost to do so? A mere $4999.95 (about £3500).

Y’know, I can’t decide if it’s one of the most preposterous or amusing items to purchase I’ve ever seen in my life. Maybe it’s both?

Art For Art’s Sake (Money, For God’s Sake)

By John

On 28/01/2009

In Hype, Personal, Uncategorized, Writing

This morning I received a remittance advice for a wee bit of writing (a joke I sold, so it’s small in wordcount and audience alike), which makes it the first bit of money I’ve received for my writing in … oh, an alarmingly long time.

The dream, of course, is to make a living from writing and nothing else, but I’m aware that this is a long way off. One step at a time, of course, and I’m fortunate in that the day jobs I’ve had since I started writing (which would be, come to think of it, every job I’ve ever had since the age of 18) have generally left me with enough mental energy remaining to do some writing in my free time, and sometimes to even make a sale.

Anyway, selling the joke (and doing so in the first couple of days of the year) feels like a good start to 2009, though, and I hope it’ll just be the first of many… though of course it’s less a question of hope, and more one of
work, a fact which I’m very much bearing in mind.

I Hope Someone Tells Them – After All, The Original Name Of The Main Chap In Star Trek : Enterprise Was (Apparently) Jeffrey Archer

By John

On 27/01/2009

In Fish In A Barrel, Link, Twins, Uncategorized

I see that a new incarnation of the 1980s SF series ‘V’ has been announced.

Let’s hope that they don’t decide to go with the same name for the main character…

I’m Sure There’s A Word That I Could Remove From This Title

By John

On 26/01/2009

In Link, Personal, Uncategorized, Writing

I was re-reading Bill Martell’s ’16 Steps To Better Descriptions’ today, courtesy of a reminder link on Lucy’s site.

It’s a good solid chunk of advice, and I heartily recommend it to you. One line in particular caught my attention :

“The easiest two words to trim out of a sentence are AND and BUT. Usually these words are completely unnecessary. Cut them.”

I agree completely, but I’m actually acutely aware that (as well as lengthy sentences with excessive sub-clauses), one of my writing habits is the overuse of the word ‘that’. Not as a pronoun, but rather as a linking word, when a lot of the time it’s superfluous – as in ‘I know [that] you’ve got the treasure map, now hand it over’, to quote a line I said just this morning (don’t ask).

So, in the spirit of sharing and confession, which words or phrases – if any – are you aware you overuse? Are there certain words which you have to keep an eye out for in re-reading, and invariably find yourself removing as unnecessary? Do share, I’d feel better if I wasn’t the only one who’s openly flawed.

Not that there’s anything wrong with being aware of this sort of thing, of course – after all, Arthur Conan Doyle uses the word ‘singular’ repeatedly in describing Holmes’s cases (which strikes me as a bit of a paradox), and Damon Runyon used the phrase ‘more than somewhat’ so often that it became almost a catchphrase, and eventually the title of one of his books.

So, no shame in it – which is to say: go on, ‘fess up!

Author: John Page 47 of 121