2. When shopping in your local deli/butcher/fishmonger, be sure to mention that you’re holding a dinner party, and address the person behind the counter by their first name more often than is normal in conversation
3. Not supplying drink for your guests, even if it’s for religious or medical reasons, usually leads to them getting a right arse on
4. Musical entertainment, whether provided by you or hired professionals, is not a good idea if you want to win
5. Any female contestant not in some kind of relationship will be labelled a ‘singleton’ in the commentary
6. Depending on how the group is constituted in terms of gender, a butler (with or without a shirt) may be popular
7. Don’t try out something new on the night of your big event (actually, re haircuts and outfits and the like, this rule applies to much of life)
8. Rare is the person who can lift the silver salver without making the money move in some way. Less rare is being able to see the cameraman reflected in the surface of the salver
9. It’s impossible to stand in the kitchen and talk to the camera about the meal you’re preparing without acting like you’re either Nigella L or Hugh F-W
10. Dave Lamb’s voiceovers for Come Dine With Me are like the commentary for Masterchef, but with an awareness that – ultimately – we are only talking about cooking here.
…Which is probably why I watch the show a bit too much, as the above rather shows.