Category: Personal Page 6 of 19

I Should Have Bought A Towel As Well

So, following a bit of um-ing and er-ing about it, yesterday I bought myself one of those electronic reader devices – specifically, the Sony PRS600 Touch which you can see in the picture.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I’ve probably railed against electronic readers before on the blog, which is just typical of my hypocrisy and inability to maintain an opinion – well, either that, or maybe I’m the apotheosis of my suspicion that time, experience and emotion conspire to make fools and liars of us all.

That aside, the rather mundane truth is that I’ve recently been given some very lengthy PDFs which I need to read and review, and given my tendency to migraine headaches, I don’t want to spend any more time in front of a screen than I absolutely have to, and the non-backlit nature of the reader, plus its portability, seems a pretty good solution.

So far, I’m find it’s very much fit for purpose. I’m not looking to buy loads of eBooks (if any – I already have enough actual paper books waiting to be read), but I’ve loaded the PDfs successfully and they seem to work fine. Oh, and Sony give me 100 classic (yes, that does mean out-of-copyright) books with it, so it’s fairly well stocked pretty much from the start.

The main reason for my posting, though, is to share something I thought was quite amusing, though perhaps only if you have a bit of familiarity with the book in question; there are various sample chapters on the Reader when you buy it (in a variety of languages: Le Rouge Et Le Noir and Les Trois Mousquetaires, to name but deux), and one of those is the opening couple of chapters of The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy. I think Douglas Adams would be amused by this.

But no, the Reader doesn’t have the words ‘DON’T PANIC’ inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover. Although a customisation plan does spring to mind…

And before you ask why I didn’t just get the Stanza app for the iPhone, my simple answer would be ‘because I don’t have an iPhone’.

Chatsworth Revisited

So, over the weekend, Mrs S and I went to Chatsworth House in Derbyshire.

Built in the 1500s, and with landscape gardening by Capability Brown, it’s – oh, I can’t sustain the factual stuff. Here’s a picture of me in the sculpture gallery, pointing at a statue’s bottom.


(This post is dedicated to my brother – hope this is sufficiently not-about-writing for you.)

“But Professor, Isn’t There A Danger That It Could Become… Self-Aware?”

Many years ago, there was a BBC series called The Living Soap. It was a short-lived fly-on-the-wall documentary series about students in Manchester (so, fly-on-the-magnolia-painted-wall, then).

This was back in the early 1990s, and it was prescient of a lot of current TV reality fare, in that the students were filmed going about their everyday lives. However, unlike the majority of such shows which you’ll see now, the episodes were put out at much the same time as they were being made, which caused it to become a bit self-regarding; if memory serves, people in the show would find out things others had said or done by watching a previous episode and seeing events they’d not been present at, and this information would affect how they behaved. Or people in the street would insult or otherwise engage with members of the ‘cast’, on the basis of how they’d been portrayed in previous episodes.

Obviously, you can’t really aim for or maintain verite in that kind of situation, and the show was pulled earlier than planned. But I rather enjoyed it at the time – I’ve often found myself interested in programmes showing what happens when people are shoved together in an environment; perhaps because I’ve lived in a variety of shared houses in the past, both as a student and later in life. Anyway, the main lesson which seemed to be learned from The Living Soap was that you shouldn’t broadcast episodes of this sort of show while it’s still being filmed, as you end up with a snake-eating-its-tail situation.

A similar show (which started at around the same time) is MTV’s The Real World. Sticking together a handful of young people (have I just coined a collective noun there?) in a flat or apartment and filming what happened, this show’s one of MTV’s biggest successes, and runs to this day. We can pretend that it’s a fascinating social experiment or whatever, but really the appeal of the show is a more base one, that of having a good old nose at people’s private(ish) lives. I’m not being snobbish in saying that, as I have a great deal of fondness for The Real World, particularly the Seattle-based season.

The production company wisely chose to film all the episodes of The Real World before airing them, which seems to have worked on the whole, but the fact it’s broadcast, and has been for many years now, means cast members occasionally have things like “Real World sucks!” shouted at them in the street during filming. But more pertinently to the point I’ll get round to making eventually, the long-running nature of the show means that it’s become a bit of a magnet for people who want to be on TV or use it as a springboard to other careers.

I’d see this as a problem in production terms, because instead of having a programme about (say) seven average-ish people trying to get along in a flatshare, you end up with a flat containing a number of almost-stereotypes and wannabes: racists are invariably put alongside people of other races, political conservatives are put with liberals, homophobes with gay men, and so on. Add to that the fact that some of the people see the show as their calling card to stardom (despite all evidence to the contrary about such a ploy), and you can end up with an apartment which appears to have been deliberately populated with wannabes from a number of carefully-selected demographics (as The Onion pointed out).

Sure, it’s still interesting to watch (that base level of interest I mentioned above still applied), but it’s certainly a drift from the original intent, and a more self-regarding one again; perhaps inevitably over time, seeing people arguing over who gets what bed apparently isn’t enough, and instead there’s an expectation that the audience will want to see an alcoholic bisexual jumping into a swimming pool and losing her bikini top or something (Real World Hawaii, I think). In much the same way, Big Brother‘s first series featured a mix of people, but by the time the show was facing the axe, the house appeared to have been populated by caricatures whose motivation for auditioning appeared to be either a desire to seek the attention they didn’t get in their childhood, or to get a photospread in Nuts, Zoo, or both. No wonder Big Brother‘s ratings fell, why watch TV when you can see people attention-seeking or disrobing on any High Street in the UK any night of the week?

All of which brings me, circuitously, to the current series of TV singing talent contest The X Factor. I’ve not been watching this year, instead preferring to glean my information about the show from the front covers of pretty much all print media in the UK over the past month or so; in terms of long-term imprinting in my brain, this is pretty much the same as following it anyway because – let’s all be honest – the turnover of ‘stars’ in this programme makes a McDonald’s counter look like a place where people linger. There’s a current thing where Simon Cowell’s issuing press statements about an act called Jedward (whose schtick seems to be that they’re twins with haircuts like Yahoo Serious in Young Einstein) saying how much he hates them and wants them out, which of course makes the oh-so-wilful (though not very perceptive) audience vote for them to remain in the show… that’s phone voting, which of course means that money from each call goes into the coffers of SyCo, the production company behind the show, which is owned by, you guessed it, Simon Cowell. I don’t know Cowell personally, but I don’t know if the best way to show your disapproval and disagreement with him is to give him money. It looks suspiciously like positive reinforcement to me.

The link between the ‘reality shows’ I referred to earlier and The X Factor, I feel, is that as time has gone on, the latter has similarly had to up the ante; it’s become abundantly clear that the venn diagram-style overlap between the viewing audience and the people who’ll buy the winner’s CDs is pretty slight, so the voting process (with the call-in votes that cost money) becomes the greatest element of the story; fights – verbal and physical – or romances between the contestants fill acres of newsprint, the judges are friends or bitter rivals depending on which day of the week it is, judges issue decrees stating that certain acts are bound to win or should be kicked out, and there’s an amazing amount of speculation about who’ll get kicked out this week and who’ll win, even though that’s almost incidental (as the music is, much of the time) to the majority of the viewing audience.

It doesn’t seem to be enough that someone with moderate singing ability (and I say ‘someone’ as opposed to ‘some people’ because groups rarely win – in fact, has a group ever won The X Factor?) is plucked from obscurity, given some voice training and a new wardrobe and propelled to the top of the charts by a huge marketing and management campaign – a series of events which is rare and unusual enough to surely be of note; it seems we need them to have overcome some personal hardship such as a life-threatening illness or the death of a supportive relative, a vicious bit of catfighting in bootcamp, a bad choice of song in the semi-finals, and then some pantomime slating from one of the judges, before being crowned the winner and releasing some suitably rousing song in time for Christmas. And then they’re promptly pretty much forgotten about for the best part of a year, when they’re wheeled out to ride the (almost identical) wave of publicity and hoo-hah surrounding the new series (unless they don’t bother, which sometimes happens; Leon Jackson, for example). The show may be startlingly aware of itself and the need to feign conflict and drama and tragedy, but it’s reliant on the viewing (and voting) public being oblivious to such machinations.

Many years ago, I went for an interview for a job in Virgin Megastore. The chap asked me what kind of music I liked, and I replied – as I probably would now – that I tended to like bands or artists who had more than one album to them. The chap looked vaguely appalled, and I didn’t get the job – only years later did it occur to me that the ‘one hit album or single’ churn was probably a sizable amount of business for music shops, and by extension the music industry. And in a similar way, I suspect that the production team of The X Factor has realised that the journey (a word which is often used without any kind of self-awareness in such shows) is more important than the destination. You may not be able to convince people to splash out on the Eoghan Quigg CD, but you can issue ‘shocking statements’ to try to convince them that paying for premium rate phone calls to keep Jedward in the race for first place is worth it. Or pursue any other tactic to keep press coverage running between shows and generate a sense of importance about the whole thing.

I know what you’re thinking: John, you think about this stuff waaaaay too much. And you might well be right, but I say this in response: Everything I’ve said above about The X Factor has almost certainly been thought (if not explicitly stated in meetings) by people on the production team. I’m not a marketing and money-making genius, but you can bet your calls made after this time will not be counted but may still be charged that SyCo has several such geniuses on their payroll.

Anyway, I want Jimmy Nipples to win. He’s still in it, right? No? Oh. He must have been knocked the other week or something. See, told you I wasn’t really paying attention to it.

My Prejudices Confirmed, In A Way

When I moved to Yorkshire at the age of ten (well, not on my own, it was a family thing), I heard a lot of comments about what life was like ‘in the South’, and about the people who lived there.

Which was interesting, because I’d never thought of myself as living in any place with a particular allegiance or whatever, it was just, as a child might think, where I lived, and the people who lived there, just, er, lived there. Living there didn’t seem like some kind of allegiance to a patricular way of life, it was, at that age, just what my life was like.

So I was often kind of nonplussed at remarks people made about ‘southerners’ (though I’d be lying if I pretended that every single remark didn’t in some way, inform my growing body of opinions about ‘northerners’), particularly the comment that the father of a girl I was seeing in my teen years made about my family having moved to the North so we could have a bigger house. Yes, that’ll have been the rationale for the move – embarrassingly, my parents didn’t go the whole hog and move to Scotland, where we could presumably have had an estate like something out of Monarch Of The Glen, but hey you can’t have it all, I guess.

A lot of these comments were, it has to be said, pretty ill-informed, and I know people who’ve moved from the city to a more bucolic life only to be on the receiving end of comments about ‘townies not knowing the ways of the country’ (though apparently people who’ve grown up on a farm and rarely left the village have some kind of innate understanding of the ways of the urban metropolis and its dwellers).

The point I’m trying – and probably failing – to make is that all too often our opinions of other people and their lives are based more on guesswork and suspicion (and in some cases fear) than actual, material facts. I’m almost certainly as guilty of this as everyone else… actually, I take that back, and point you towards a rather fascinating collation of information:

Depiction of BNP membership overlap with non-white populations in the UK

… now, I’d prefer to think I’m less prone to the ‘making up reasons to dislike people without actually knowing if the reasons are true’ tendency that this image suggests your average BNP member is guilty of, but I think you can see my underlying point: the vast majority of BNP members, it would seem, hold their opinions about non-white people with only very limited knowledge about what they’re actually like. I suspect it’s that fear of ‘other’ that somehow gives rise to the dislike, and creates what is, in the strict sense of the word, pre-judice.

Anyway, the site I swiped that link from is run by a chap called David McCandless. There are many similarly interesting conglomerations of information on the rest of his site, it’s worth your time.

But to end this post on a note which is probably less contentious than issues of race or north versus south, and which I found unintentionally very amusing, I’d like to illustrate my general point with a comment made by a friend of mine when were chatting about at school, and which harks back to yesterday’s post in a way; he said, and these were his exact words,

“I’ve never read any books by Stephen King, because they’re all shit.”


(Simon – or, indeed, Mr K: if you’re reading this, I disagreed then, and I still disagree now, okay?)

Lying In the Gutter, But …

Spotted in the gutter yesterday, and I was slightly freaked out by it, I have to admit.

But then again, perhaps my career as a war photographer starts here.

He’s Cleared The First Hurdle, But What About The Second?

If you’re of a writerly mind, you may remember the stuff I posted in September about the open call for submissions to the BBC radio sketch show, Recorded For Training Purposes.

Well, just to prove that I don’t idly post these things – and that I wasn’t kidding when I said I didn’t need the competition – I sent a couple of sketches in, and crikey o’riley if I didn’t get an e-mail today saying that I’d made it past the initial sift.

Which made me grin like an idiot, though the e-mail also cautions that there are something like 250 people in my situation, plus all the actual commissioned writers like Senor Arnopp, and they’ll probably be wanting about 100 sketches in total. So I shouldn’t get too excited quite yet, though it’s stoked the fires of my ego to get this far.

Did any of you folks send anything in, and if so, any response? Are you – cripes – one of my rivals for airtime? Do let me know.

You may, of course, rest assured that I’ll let you know when I hear more, be it aye or nay (though the e-mail suggests I shouldn’t necessarily expect to hear before Christmas). I may not know much, but I understand enough about narrative to know that people usually like some kind of closure on things.

But anyway: colour me pleased.

The Comedy Of Errors Has The Joke Of Two People Looking Like Each Other. Twice.

So I had an idea the other day – yes, yes, I know, it’s a real Dear Diary moment, ha de har har – specifically, an idea for a story; I liked the idea, and it seemed to pop into my head fully-formed, and I could see various avenues to it, and how it could be made a bit more real-world than a lot of stories, and I could see myself enjoying writing it, though there was one big hurdle to all this…

It felt like I’d stolen it from somewhere.

Now, I don’t know if this is actually the case or not, but the way the idea seemed to (as they say in House) present, with a lot of features already in place, seemed a bit too easy somehow, as if I could only have come up with the notion by nicking it.

Anyway, here’s the idea:

Two brothers – identical twins. One of them is murdered, and returns to the other as a ghost – as twins, they always had a strong ‘connection’, and death doesn’t seem to have ended that. The ghost twin helps his living brother look into the circumstances of the murder, and it turns out that in fact the wrong twin was killed, due to the similarity of appearance. In investigating all this, though, the living twin would not find people co-operative and willing to let him in to chat, as so often seems to be the case in such tales, but instead would struggle to get people to talk to him at all, as they’re still dealing with their grief. And of course, when he discovers that he was the target, the killer, at much the same time, realises that he hasn’t finished the job after
all…

Okay, so a couple of obvious touchstones are Randall And Hopkirk (Deceased) and the comic character Deadman, and there’s a wilful element to the ‘difficulty of investigation’ aspect that clearly comes from me having seen too many episodes of Murder, She Wrote and similar TV shows, as well as a wish to do something crime-based but not with too much of a standard gumshoe element. So it’s just a bundle of influences, I guess, but my sneaking feeling that this is a film or book I’ve previously experienced is enough to put me off writing it at the moment (in any form other than the summary in the paragraph above, I mean).

I spend a lot of time on this blog posting images I feel are similar – some of them clearly intended to be, others mere chance – but I’m equally interested in the similarity of ideas, and the way that two people can come to similar conclusions, or come up with similar notions, by what seems to be pure chance; granted, there are scientists who do work in specific fields with the same aim, which is perhaps more inevitable, and Charles Fort wrote about what I think he called ‘Steam-Engine time’, which was the idea that certain ideas or inventions have a ‘time’ when their creation is almost inevitable; being a pretentious sort, I’m rather reminded of the final lines from Yeats’s poem The Second Coming, which ask “And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, / Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?”

I always marvel at the inventiveness of musicians, apparently able to create new songs from the limited number of musical notes in the octave, and it’s often claimed that there are a limited number of stories – the exact number varies, it seems, but it’s rarely more than about a dozen – so I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised that the ideas which flit across the landscape of my mind sometimes strike me as pleasing, but at the same time as probably being a swipe.

So anyway, I dismissed the twins story idea (well, scribbled it in the notebook and may do something with it in an altered form in the future, but for now that’s much the same thing), and didn’t really think anything more about it.

Until, over the weekend, when I was out and about, and I saw a pair of identically dressed identical twin girls. And then, less than an hour later, a pair of identically dressed identical twin boys.

Which wasn’t creepy in the least. No, not at all.

(Talking To) My New Pen

Just a couple of things I wanted to share before they fled my mind (for if there’s one thing readers of the blog will be all too familiar with, it’s that I can’t let a thought – no matter how irrelevant and trivial – pass through my mind without sharing it):

THING THE FIRST: In meetings at work, I frequently find that people will do presentations using either papers or slides projected on the wall, and this often seems to be referred to as ‘talking to the paper’ or ‘talking to the presentation’. My natural instinct in such a sentence would be to use the word ‘about’.

I only ever hear this in a work context, so it might well be one of those buzz-word type things, but I find it kind of odd, as it suggests someone is, literally, talking to some bits of paper or Powerpoint images projected on a wall. Then again, it does have a faintly Middle English ring about it, like something out of Gawain And The Green Knight, I guess.

“He didde talke to his presentationne, and didde Powerpoint use”, as Chaucer wrote in The Project Manager’s Tale.

THING THE SECOND: I’ve recently started using a new pen, and I rather like it. It’s a Pilot VPen, and is a strange mix between a fountain pen (it has a nib) and a gel pen (the ink flows smoothly).

It gives a slightly scratchy interaction with the paper, which I actually find slightly satisfying as it proves to me that yes, I actually am writing, but without the hassles of changing the cartridge or carrying round a bottle of ink… but, yes, there’s a but. I’m not any kind of scientist, but as the pen is disposable and has loads of working parts, surely it’s a nightmare in environmental terms? Can anyone advise?

Or, to put it another way, can anyone talk to this post?

This Admission May Connect In Some Way To Me Not Getting Married Until I Was 37 Years Old

As readers with long memories and brain cells to spare may recall, just over a year ago, I got married.

One of the many benefits of this was that I now have (and indeed always wear) a wedding ring – because, obviously, when this cat’s on the prowl, the ladies need to be warned that hey, easy, I’m a married man!. Yes, that’s definitely the reason. Anyway, bear my be-ringedness in mind while I scoot off at what will appear to be a tangent…

The building where I work in London (which is a very hush-hush-top-secret-oh-all-right-I-admit-it-not-that-big-a-deal-building) has a pass system, as many buildings do nowadays. You use your pass to get in, and on the way out, the method is a bit less hasslesome – on the basis that keeping people out is more important that keeping them in, I guess. So the usual way I leave the building is to press a large button set into a nearby wall, and then open the door.

However, these buttons are usually green (for go, I suppose), and as a pathetic comic reading geek who’s aware of the superhero Green Lantern, who recharges his power ring (stop giggling at the back) thus…

… you can probably imagine how I envision myself as I punch the green exit button at work with my left hand.

Several times a day. Smiling to myself every time I do it. Oh yes.

Hey, I’m just being honest with you. And anyway, they’re talking about a Green Lantern film starring Ryan Reynolds, so the character’ll probably be like Iron Man in a couple of years. Lunchboxes and pyjamas for the kids, you wait and see… and probably in adult sizes for people like me too, let’s face it. The emotionally and intellectually stunted male is a sizable market. In every sense.

From Their Sublime To My Ridiculous

Something I didn’t mention in my write-up about the classical music concert on Friday night was that, as the performance of Strauss’s Four Last Songs came to an end, I became completely convinced that, were I to nick the conductor’s sheet music as an avid fan might steal a band’s set list, it would look something like this:


I know: I’m an idiot. I don’t deserve culture, do I?

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