Category: List

You can keep your iPods with their single-digit battery life, my Sony bean-shaped music thing has a 50 hour running time when fully charged, and so is ideal to take on holiday.

And that’s what I did, and despite me accidentally leaving it running a couple of times, it didn’t run out until after I got home. Which is handy, as occasionally you get tired of the sound of your own ragged breathing on the mountain, or the aircraft’s engine drone, and want to listen to some proper music.

The following, then, is a list of what I listened to in Turkey (those marked * are single tracks, all the others are albums):

They Might be Giants – Istanbul Not Constantinople*
Pink Floyd – Echoes: The Best Of
Aimee Mann – Wise Up*
Jewel – Goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Pet Shop Boys – Left To My Own Devices*
The Divine Comedy – Victory For The Comic Muse
Somnium – 17*
Frankie Goes To Hollywood – Best Of
Camisra – Let Me Show You (Tall Paul remix)*
Scott Walker – Sings Jacques Brel
Fire Inc – Nowhere Fast*
Original Soundtrack – Blade:Trinity
Fire Inc – Tonight Is What It Means To Be Young*
They Might Be Giants – A User’s Guide To…
Sebastian Tellier – Le Retournelle (original version)*
Big Bam Boo – Fun, Faith and Fairplay
Long-View – Mercury
Fatboy Slim – Right Here, Right Now*
Craig Armstrong – Love Actually (Orchestral Score)
Snow Patrol – Run*
Deacon Blue – Raintown
The KLF – America: What Time Is Love? (Full version)*
Kubb – Mother
Moby – James Bond Theme*
Craig Armstrong – Film Works 1995-2005
Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine – The Taking of Peckham 123*
The Divine Comedy – Casanova
Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine – Lean On Me I Won’t Fall Over*
Bonnie Tyler – Best Of
Malik Adouane – Shaft (from Buddha Bar Vol 1)*
The Orb – U.F.Orb

So: 225 tracks, 16 and a half hours of music, and the machine was only half full. Did the job for me…

Jerry Siegel
Joe Shuster
Jack Skellington
Jerry Seinfeld
Jack Sparks
Jim Steinman
John Steed
John Shakespeare

• All women are either honeys or skanky ho bitches. There is no middle ground.

• Similarly, all men are playaz or losers. No exceptions.

• When arguing with your partner, ensure you make wild arm gestures and look disbelieving. This is particularly important if they’re singing at you while you’re disagreeing. For full effect the argument should take place in a public place. If arguing at home, be sure to smash mirrors and throw items made of glass, as they will smash in slow motion. Items holding liquids, such as glasses of water, are particularly effective, as they will soar slowly through the air, leaving the liquid in the air behind them like a ‘plane’s trail. For true emphasis, however, you should side-swipe a photograph of the two of you off a shelf or table – when it falls to the floor and the glass shatters, you will stare at the broken symbol of your love and share a rueful look as the chorus kicks in.

• Men: nothing woos a woman like getting your friends to stand behind you with their arms crossed, nodding while you sing a ballad explaining how you want to get freaky with her like no other girl you ever seen before.

• Women: you don’t need to do anything to woo a man, except perhaps line up some of your friends and sing a song about how unworthy the man is to engage in carnal activity with you. This chasteness is best emphasised by dressing in a thong and standing with your pelvis tilted forwards

• At a club, the DJ knows what song to play merely by you nodding at him or making a specific hand gesture. Do this at any time, and he will play your chosen record.

• If you’re a man and see a woman you find attractive, you should stare at her – look her up and down slowly and lick your lips. Women love that.

• On a date, move through large bodies of people slowly, nodding and waving occasionally. The people around know who you are, and the crowd will part accordingly.

• If you’re a gentleman of more sizable build, hide this fact by wearing a lot of gold jewellery and a loose-fitting baseball shirt. Women will flock to you, and dance up against you slowly.

• The battle of the sexes is best resolved through a danceoff. In the street. Ideally near a broken fire hydrant which is spraying water.

• At a club or party, make sure to avoid the object of your affection for as long as possible, stealing occasional glances across the room, or looking at them meaningfully over the rim of your glass of Cristal. Only approach and smile knowingly at each other as the song starts to fade.

• It’s perfectly acceptable to attract a woman’s interest by shouting as you drive past in a convertible filled with your friends. Since you’re only driving at about two miles an hour, if she’s taken with your method of approach, she can walk over to your car and lean in and talk to you, sticking out her bottom. After less than ten words exchanged, and only one uncertain look, she will agree to get into the car with you and come back to your crib.

• When walking down the street, entering a bar or club or any other location with your friends, always, ALWAYS make sure you walk abreast. Ideally in slow motion.

• Date clothing: men should be aware that anything bearing the name or logo of an international sportswear manufacturer is acceptable, preferably that of a firm reputed to employ child labour. For women, a bikini top, tight shorts and high heels will be suitable, no matter what the occasion. Don’t worry, it never rains.

• There’s no need to queue to get into clubs. The doorman will unclip the velvet rope to let you and your partner in, to the envious glances of the people left outside.

• Etiquette tip: real gentlemen ensure that, at all times, one hand is on their crotch.

A friend of mine recently asked me what I watch on television, and I ummed and ahhed, trying to think of the programmes I actively go to the effort of taping.

I very rarely just sit and see ‘what’s on’, you see, as I invariably have a stack of films which I’ve bought but not yet seen. But at this moment in time, the only programmes I’m following are

· Lost (C4) – though it’s beginning to lose my interest, as it feels as if the large cast dilutes the focus of the scripts, and there are plotlines which are going unresolved or as good as ignored for episodes on end. I’ll probably give it until the end of this first series and then decide.

· Peep Show (C4) – one of the few-ish homegrown comedies on C4, this sitcom has managed to maintain a high standard even into series three

· Arrested Development (BBC2) – shunted round the schedules as much as Buffy or h&p@bbc.co.uk and constantly under threat of cancellation by its originating network in the USA, this is possibly one of the finest sitcoms in recent years; superdense with jokes, its 20-minute episodes just fly past. Great scripts and cast. But series two has just finished on BBC2 (after being dropped from BBC4 mid-series without any explanation:classy), so this probably shouldn’t be here.

And … er, that’s pretty much it. If I remember, I’ll watch QI (BBC2) The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (More4), or Have I Got News For You (BBC1), but I’m not that fussed.

Two observations on the above:

Firstly, I abhor the idea of the licence fee being abolished and the BBC having to operate in some other fashion. Though I find huge slices of their output to be dross, the BBC does some things very well indeed – documentaries like ‘The Power of Nightmares’, or my favourite TV drama of all time ‘The Singing Detective’ are worth the yearly £120 alone – and so I wouldn’t see the situation changed. Especially as much of the motivation seems to be political (whichever party’s in power invariably hates the BBC) or commercial (the Murdoch press seems to resent the BBC’s historical media advantage). And I think if you look at the minimal amount I watch you can easily see that if they did change to a pay-per-view system I’d be at a considerable financial advantage.

Secondly, notice the absence of ITV programmes on the list ? There’s a reason for that – ITV’s output is almost entirely bilge, and I’d rather re-read the Da Vinci Code than watch any of their endless soaps, humourless sitcoms, tatty gameshows or moronic reality or celebrity programmes (and don’t get me started on their celebrity reality schedule-fillers). ITV seem to tailor their programmes to the lowest common denominator, and then make sure that it’s patronising even to them. Take a look at the line-up of programmes on ITV on any given night, and see if you can find anything that isn’t just an insult to the intelligence.

And if you find it, let me know, because it’s painfully clear to me I’m really not watching as much TV as the average person, and I’d hate to be different from everyone else.

Do you have music running through your head all day ? Of course you do. Don’t lie.

The following is a list of the music that provided my internal soundtrack to Tuesday – or at least, the ones I remembered to write down:

• Long-View : Electricity
• Not the Nine O’Clock News : There’s A Man In Iran
• Robbie Williams : Radio (the opening line segueing into ‘Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off’ – it does kinda work, try it)
• Soundtrack from The Singing Detective (I think it may be Al Jolson?): After You’ve Gone
• Enigma : That track they used on the Matrix trailer (I think it’s from their second album)
• The Smiths: Please please please let me get what I want
• Greig (I think): That piano item used to such great effect in the Morecombe and Wise/Andrew Preview performance
• Madonna: Frozen
• Bowie: Suffragette City
• Thompson Twins : Hold Me Now
• Del Amitri : Surface of the Moon

None of the above were deliberately prompted in my mind, I hasten to add, and I listened to none of them prior to them appearing on Radio Myhead FM.

I offer no other commentary on this list. You may draw your own conclusions. I know I have.

1. Putting ‘Gate’ on the end of the name of every scandal: Watergate was the name of the hotel, so it was, uh, the appropriate word to use. Irangate, Squidgygate, Monicagate, and all the others since have not been. They’ve been given a stupid and irrelevant suffix, one which relates to an event which took place over a quarter of a century ago. Is this intelligent writing?

2. UK newspapers calling the police ‘cops’. Use ‘coppers’ if you must. How about the word ‘police’, or in London ‘Met’ if you insist on abbreviating? But don’t pretend to be writing about South Central when it’s actually Lewisham.

3. Made-up nicknames: For example, ‘Stormin’ Norman Schwarzkopf, Rageh ‘the Scud Stud’ Omah, and Gwyneth ‘Gwynnie’ Paltrow. All names which are not used ANYWHERE outside the pages of the press. Stop wasting your time making these names up, and the readers’ time in having to figure out who and what you’re talking about.

4. Articles about scientific or medical advances which end with the statement that scientists or doctors ‘expect it to be available within five to ten years’. It’ll be news then, don’t go boosting the company’s share prices in the meantime. You promised me flying cars back in the 1970s, and I’m still waiting.

5. Using words or phrases which have no existence at all outside of the world of the press: examples would be

• love rat
• baby dash
• death plunge
• romp

6. Referring to something sexual as ‘XXX’ : The certificate for ‘adult’ films was changed to ‘R18’ years ago. Catch up, for crying out loud.

7. Headlines which are borderline incomprehensible : these are often created from a string of nouns with no prepositions or verbs, such as ‘Blair holiday cottage fury’. As with the example given, the non-sense of them often leaves them open to misinterpretation.*

8. Writing in a manner which means the reader has to speak journalism-ese instead of English: Sample translations would be as follows:

• (Event) drama – no-one died
• (Event) tragedy – someone died
• (Event) fury – we’ve found a rentaquote MP willing to say any old tripe so we can take an anti- viewpoint on this and pretend many people agree

9. Pretending scientific formulae can be applied to things which are obviously highly subjective: this is a recent-ish phenomenon, and usually takes the form of articles stating that a formula has been found for the perfect joke / scary film / romantic song / cup of tea. Utterly pointless both as a proposition and in execution, these articles invariably reveal their origins in the final lines when they state that the research was carried out on behalf of a company with a vague relation to the subject in question (often satellite TV channels or radio stations, it seems). Yes, these articles are badly rewritten press releases from firms – in other words, adverts masquerading as news. Classy.

10. Making up excuses to show pictures of women: Work for a tabloid and have some pictures of a soap opera cast member in her underwear, but no real reason to publish them? Simple! Just make up a story about her being in line to be the next Bond girl or to appear in Doctor Who, quoting ‘insider sources’! But what if you work for a higher-browed paper, and still need to up the totty factor ? No worry! Just find a picture of Kate Winslet or Keira Knightley attending a premiere in an evening gown and write a paragraph about the state of the British Film Industry ! Or Joss Stone accompanied by a line or two about downloads or something like that. Voila ! Page space filled with a minimum of effort or intellect!

11. The fact that the phrase ‘investigative journalism’ should be tautological, but most definitely isn’t at the present time.

12. Articles in the form of lists because it’s easier to do and fills up space quickly.

*Why not play the Daily Mail Headline game ? It’s easy, and fun for all the family. Simply see how many Daily Mail headlines can be sung to the tune of the song ‘Camptown Races’. Examples on any given day might be ‘Asylum Seeker in Benefit Fraud’, or ‘Police Chief fired over Internet Porn’.

How many can YOU find?