Author: John Page 20 of 121

This Admission May Connect In Some Way To Me Not Getting Married Until I Was 37 Years Old

As readers with long memories and brain cells to spare may recall, just over a year ago, I got married.

One of the many benefits of this was that I now have (and indeed always wear) a wedding ring – because, obviously, when this cat’s on the prowl, the ladies need to be warned that hey, easy, I’m a married man!. Yes, that’s definitely the reason. Anyway, bear my be-ringedness in mind while I scoot off at what will appear to be a tangent…

The building where I work in London (which is a very hush-hush-top-secret-oh-all-right-I-admit-it-not-that-big-a-deal-building) has a pass system, as many buildings do nowadays. You use your pass to get in, and on the way out, the method is a bit less hasslesome – on the basis that keeping people out is more important that keeping them in, I guess. So the usual way I leave the building is to press a large button set into a nearby wall, and then open the door.

However, these buttons are usually green (for go, I suppose), and as a pathetic comic reading geek who’s aware of the superhero Green Lantern, who recharges his power ring (stop giggling at the back) thus…

… you can probably imagine how I envision myself as I punch the green exit button at work with my left hand.

Several times a day. Smiling to myself every time I do it. Oh yes.

Hey, I’m just being honest with you. And anyway, they’re talking about a Green Lantern film starring Ryan Reynolds, so the character’ll probably be like Iron Man in a couple of years. Lunchboxes and pyjamas for the kids, you wait and see… and probably in adult sizes for people like me too, let’s face it. The emotionally and intellectually stunted male is a sizable market. In every sense.

This One’s For Those Of You Who Were Tiring Of Posts Featuring Pictures And A Handful Of Words From Me Saying ‘Hey, Don’t These Look A Bit Alike?’

As you’ve probably seen, a handful of days after the pop singer Stephen Gately died, and even after the coroner had pronounced his sudden death to have been the result of natural causes, the ever-humane Daily Mail printed a column by Jan Moir which had the suspicious whiff of homophobia about it, suggesting Gatey’s lifestyle may have been responsible for his death. Classy.

The article has, I gather led to a record number of complaints being made to the Press Complaints Commission – there’s a good summary of the series of events here. And though I usually try to avoid writing about topical events too often here on’t blog (due to the fact that, all too often, far wittier folks tend to get there before me), I had a few thoughts (on the subject, not in total in my life) which I wanted to share…

Firstly, and because it’s always fun to make this clear, I think the Daily Mail is a criminal waste of newsprint; its obsession with house prices and immigrants and cancer make it frankly laughable, and it would be a joke if it wasn’t for the fact that so many people seem to take its contents seriously. The paper’s aimed at a weird audience, one who believes that young people nowadays are all promiscuous and whorish, but who simultaneously like lots of pictures of Charlotte Church or Cheryl Cole in low-cut dresses in their newspapers. Lord only knows what kind of demographic this is, but they clearly keep on buying the grotty little rag.

Given that the Mail‘s never been that keen on gay people or their lifestyles, it’s probably inevitable that they ran a column in the usual post hoc ergo propter hoc style about Stephen Gately: he was gay, he died suddenly, and therefore his premature death was caused by being gay. Sure, they didn’t run a ‘being white and female makes you die in a car crash’ story when the Princess of Wales died, but of course a picture of Diana on the front page was always a good way to boost circulation, and besides ‘white and female’ is a substantial chunk of their target readership. I think it’s fair to say that they’re not keen to court gay readers – though in terms of appealing to the dead, a large number of their readers are probably nearer the grave than the womb, and many of their younger readers may not trouble the EEG machine overmuch.

You may well be wondering why I haven’t linked to the article yet, to let you good people make up your own mind about whether it’s offensive or not; well, fear not, I’m about to, but I wanted to highlight the way that, once they started getting complaints about the article, the Mail tried to rewrite things so that they didn’t look as bad – remember how Russell Brand (and we’ll get back to him later) pointed out that the Mail, which had been so critical of him and Jonathan Ross, had, after all, supported Mosely and the Blackshirts, and asked which was worse? The Mail tried to ignore this remark, despite it being an established fact about the paper’s history, and in a not-entirely dissimilar way, once they realised that they had a PR problem on their hands with the Moir article, they changed the title of it on their website. Oh the bravery.

So, having originally titled the column “Why there was nothing ‘natural’ about Stephen Gately’s death”, the Mail proudly and heroically renamed it “A strange, lonely and troubling death . . .”, and indeed that’s the title which now sits atop the page – have a look here. The courage of their convictions is so impressive.

And so there was a fuss – to my delight, catalysed by openly gay folks such as Stephen Fry and Derren Brown – and a semi-reaction from Jan Moir saying that the response had been “clearly a heavily orchestrated internet campaign “, with lots of complaints to the Press Complaints Commission (as well as people publishing Moir’s home address online, which I do feel is going too far). And the Mail is now in an interesting position, because a year ago this week, the paper was very much at the front of the placard-bearing crowd objecting to the phone calls made by Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross to Andrew Sachs. So, in the face of a similarly orchestrated campaign of complaint, how will they react?

By analogy with the Ross-Brand-Sachs affair, the writer should resign and the sub-editor and editor should be sacked, though I doubt this’ll happen; as many people found during World War II when publications had to be recycled as lavatory paper, when it comes to newspapers, the shit just doesn’t stick. The Sun may have accused football supporters of raiding the pockets of the dead at Hillsborough (see picture), the Scottish Sunday Express may have written about the frankly teenage lives of teenage survivors of the Dunblane massacre, and every single paper in the world may have been implicated in Charles Spencer’s impassioned eulogy for his sister, but the last place you’re likely to see these things reported – let alone discussed – is, it seems, a newspaper. Which makes me wonder if newspapers are necessarily in much of a position to criticise when MPs circle the wagons and try to protect themselves (or each other) from criticism or revelations about their lives.

As with the Trafigura situation last week, the newspapers were rather trumped by the internet, as people broke the ludicrous injunction via e-mails, blogs and Twitter, and the same approach has been taken in relation to the complaints about the Gately article (which I think is perfectly fair; I just wish that similarly well-orchestrated campaigns could be run about so many of their other articles). It makes me wonder if the ‘decline in respect for authority’ which the Mail and other papers lament is in some way directly related to the rise of communication technology – it must have been much easier to hide some wrongdoing in the days when people didn’t have telephones to share things they’d heard about (let alone e-mail), and perhaps that lack of evidence of naughtiness in authority was somehow the foundation for the much-vaunted respect that people ‘used to have’? Just a thought, but it certainly can’t help that when something dodgy’s going on in high places, people can have the details within minutes, and pass them on just as quickly.

I wouldn’t want to go so far as to suggest that the internet and 3G and the like will directly replace or remove traditional print journalism, but they’re clearly having an effect on the way people gain information about the world about them; newspapers have already found their ‘source of news’ role reduced by the rise of constantly-updated TV and online news, and if the ‘campaigning’ role is also usurped, is there much left? As Clay Shirky noted back in March,“‘You’re gonna miss us when we’re gone!’ has never been much of a business model”, and as we seem to be gradually feeling our way towards some new and as yet uncertain model of newsgathering and reporting, I do think that a lot of papers are going to be shouting that, and sooner rather than later.

In the case of the Mail, though, I’m kind of torn; in moral terms, it’s a festering boil in the bumcleft of humanity, but if it goes bankrupt actual real people with families would lose their livelihoods, and as much as I dislike the way they choose to spend their time, a part of me recognises that they’re still people.

Then again, I like to think the recognition that people can think differently from me and not have to suffer for it means I’ll never be asked to write for the Daily Mail.

Is There A Psychological Condition Which Involves One Seeing Things As Similar All The Time?

If so, I think we can cheerfully label me a sufferer.

Though it does generate material, howsoever questionable.

From A Poster On London Transport Urging People To Be Pro, As Opposed To Anti, Social

I wasn’t too taken with his information films for the Inland Revenue, but I hadn’t realised that Adam Hart Davis was such a social miscreant.

Still, good to see he’s working on his issues.

They Also Serve Who Only Sit And Type

What’s that you say? Hmm?

Oh, you say your week won’t be complete unless you can see a picture of Brian and Stewie from Family Guy drawn into a field, and viewed from above?

Luckily for you, your wish is my command.

And if you’ll forgive me, I have to go and polish the coal scuttle.*

*Not a euphemism, you filthy beast.

Rather Like That Irish Singer Shane MacGowan (Born 1957 In Kent)

For reasons I really don’t need to get into, I’m currently working on a 60-minute biopic of singer Chris de Burgh.

I don’t know about you, but I kind of thought I knew everything there was to know about him; the early years, The Lady In Red, the affair with the nanny, the angry letter to the Irish Times, and all that, but I’m finding that the more I read about him, the more of an enigma the man turns out to be.

Take, for example, the opening line of the Wikipedia page for Chris:

“Chris de Burgh (born Christopher John Davison on 15 October 1948) is an Argentinian-born Irish singer-songwriter…”

I’m starting to think I may need more than 60 minutes. I tell you, the man’s a mystery… wrapped in a thriller.

Curled up inside a romance.

Thanks, Tom. And Now, Here’s Damien With The Weather. Damien?

…oh.

You Nearly Didn’t Hear About This

It seems that, contrary to years of process and legal precedent, The Guardian newspaper was – until a couple of hours ago – blocked from reporting on Parliamentary proceedings.

Just to add to the rather cloak-and-dagger nature of things, the paper was also been told not to say what they’ve been prevented from talking about. I seem to recall the Spycatcher affair took a similar turn, with the media at one stage not allowed to mention the name of the author of the banned book… and we all know how well that turned out.

Fortunately, early this afternoon – just in time, one might say – the lawyers responsible for the injunction (perennial Private Eye favourites Carter-Ruck) dropped the claim, leaving the paper free to report the item in question, which I’ll reprint here, mainly because I can:

Labour MP Paul Farrelly intends to “ask the Secretary of State for Justice what assessment he has made of the effectiveness of legislation to protect (a) whistleblowers and (b) press freedom following the injunctions obtained in the High Court by (i) Barclays and Freshfields solicitors on 19 March 2009 on the publication of internal Barclays reports documenting alleged tax avoidance schemes and (ii) Trafigura and Carter-Ruck solicitors on 11 September 2009 on the publication of the Minton report on the alleged dumping of toxic waste in the Ivory Coast, commissioned by Trafigura.”

So, Carter-Ruck had issued an injunction to prevent a paper reporting a question about an injunction? Crikey, that kind of activity certainly strays close to the zone known as self-parody.

Facetiousness aside, this was a strange legal move, and one which – temporarily – went against freedom of speech issues which had been in place for centuries (and had been, in legal terms, recently* ruled upon by Lord Denning) stating that whatever’s said in Parliament can be reported without it potentially being seen as contempt of court. The opposite of Las Vegas, one might say.

Anyway, I thought this was worthy of drawing to your attention as a freedom of the press issue; I hold no brief for The Guardian, and approach their work with much the same narrowed-eye cynicism as I do most of the newspapers, but I think it’s getting to a pretty sorry state of affairs when a law firm can take out (and, in the first instance at least, obtain) a gagging order to prevent the centuries-established reporting of a parliamentary question, especially one about a gagging order.

*By which, of course, I mean over 20 years ago.

Simon, You Can Have This Format Idea For A Fiver. Oh, All Right, A Quid.

I see that Saturday’s edition of singing talent show The X-Factor featured a guest appearance by Robbie Williams. And previous episodes have featured appearances by Mariah Carey and Beyonce, with the inevitable ratings-grabbing results.

And a notion occurred to me. One which, I think, might have what the folks in the idea biz call ‘legs’.

Here it is: instead of going through the hassle of hosting regional singing heats, hiring limos and hotel rooms for judges, hiring venues and risking getting into legal trouble by utilising telephone voting for the final rounds, and then the fuss of recording the first album by the winner and promoting it… instead of all that, why not just get established singers to come onto a TV show?

You could make sure that the format works by only selecting popular singers (or even groups), and maybe link their appearance on the show to their relative popularity in some way; maybe using some quantifiable sales thing like how many CDs or downloads they’d sold that week? You could even structure the show with a crescendo aspect, so the most popular singer or band that week plays at the end – saving the biggest star until last, as it were.

Obviously, there are a couple of less positive aspects to this – there’d be less need to use Craig Armstrong’s Film Works 1995-2005 CD for all of the linky bits*, and you’d probably have to make the show a bit shorter (maybe 30 minutes instead of 90 minutes) – but I reckon that you could probably get a pretty good audience with a show like this.

Offhand, I’m not wedded to any ideas of what we’d call such a show, but you want it to be snappy and appealing that sums it up in a few words – maybe something like Hottest Of The Hits? I’m not sure, I’m just spitballing here.

Anyway, if you have an ‘in’ with any TV production people, feel free to float this idea, and see what they think. I know it sounds simple, but often those ideas have the broadest appeal.

*This is a downside as I think Mr Armstrong is a very talented composer, and I want him to be receive the royalties for his work being used. Because week after week after week after week, his music is used.

From Their Sublime To My Ridiculous

Something I didn’t mention in my write-up about the classical music concert on Friday night was that, as the performance of Strauss’s Four Last Songs came to an end, I became completely convinced that, were I to nick the conductor’s sheet music as an avid fan might steal a band’s set list, it would look something like this:


I know: I’m an idiot. I don’t deserve culture, do I?

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