So, then, here are some of the shows which I’ll be pitching to heads of TV channels, as soon as I get a meeting booked with them by my agent (and as soon as I get an agent):

“Pimp My Bride”
High Concept: Indecent Proposal meets O.Henry’s ‘The Gift of the Magi’
Scenario: Two couples compete for the wedding of their dreams in the run-up to the big day, with the groom whoring his bride for a month. The couple who gets the most money from the woman demeaning herself wins, and their big day is paid for by the show.
Possible Host/Star: June Sarpong
Suitable for Channel(s): Five Life, MTV Base
Notes: Possible follow-up show six months after the event to see if they’re still married, or even on speaking terms. Could be adapted slightly to cover civil partnerships.

“Whose Sari Now?”
High Concept: Desi Through The Keyhole
Scenario: Stars from the Indian Subcontinent open their homes to a camera crew, and this footage is shown to a panel of celebrities who have to try and divine whose home it is.
Possible Host/Star: Jade Goody (or her mother)
Suitable for Channel(s): BBC Three, Zee TV
Notes: Theme tune should be easy to organise. Concept might be slightly limited due to bad-pun-derived nature of show, so no more than six series should probably be made.

“Caprice and Whimsy”
High Concept: Quantum Leap with Porcelain miniatures and cheesecake
Scenario: ‘Model’ Caprice is speeding one day when she is stopped by the police. She argues with the arresting officer, not realising he has magic powers, and he shrinks her down to a small size and banishes her to Whimsy on the Why, a town comprised of porcelain miniatures made by Wade Pottery. She has to make amends byrighting wrongs – solving crimes, providing veterinary assistance to the porcelain animals, etc, until such time as the magical policeman decides she can return to normal size. He is, however, a man of changeable mood, thus providing another level of meaning to the show’s title. Oh, and when Caprice shrinks, she can no longer find clothes to fit, so spends the majority of the episodes in her underwear.
Possible Host/Star: Caprice Bourret, a green-screen studio
Suitable for Channel(s): ITV4, Men and Motors
Notes: Possible tagline for promo posters – ‘Life on Bras’. Low wardrobe budget requirement. Possible hurdle if Wade pottery not co-operative (re-work as ‘Hornby and Hornby [Decreased]’, with novelist living in train-based setting)? Caprice probably available, though will require services of a driver until 25 August 2007 (expense needs to be factored into series budget).

…I know, I know, I’m the Glen A. Larson of the new millennium. I shall, of course, ensure I get the appropriate on-screen credits.